Five inventions you came up with on the loo that would net you millions on Dragon's Den

ONCE again you’re astride the porcelain facing five imaginary millionaires desperate to invest in the game-changers you come up with mid-dump, like these: 

An automatic toilet roll replacer

A brainwave that hit when you ran out of paper and the resupply was too far to reach. Basically a spring-loaded, motion-activated device that automatically ejects the old cardboard while a grabber hand loads a new one, end folded into a triangle like in posh hotels. You haven’t worked out the mechanics. That’s for the little people.

Investment? £500,000 for a 10 per cent share.

A dating app swiper

Tired of scrolling through endless grinning pricks and giving yourself premature arthritis? This new AI robot – essentially a pendulum with a cotton bud on the end – will automatically sort the wheat (hot people) from the chaff (anyone using a ‘pineapple on pizza’ line) and set you up for nightly casual sex.

Investment? £750,000 for a 20 per cent share. Take it or leave it.

The shopping travelator

Getting shopping from the front door to the fridge is a pain in the arse when you’re already exhausted by your own self-indulgent consumerism. This system of item-sorting conveyor belts takes your items, places them carefully on shelves and puts the bags back in the boot. Peter Jones will go apeshit for it.

Investment? £2 million for a 35 per cent share. Don’t miss out on this.

The coffee IV

It’s impossible to get caffine into your system fast enough on weekday mornings, so cut out your inefficient guts and present the Dragons with a drip pumping frappe latte right into your arm. Comes in multiple flavours despite there being no taste buds in your veins, that’s just a nice extra. Has a warning label so you can’t be sued if anyone ODs.

Investment? £16 million for ten per cent and that’s your final offer. This makes Levi Roots look like a tired man at a car boot sale.

A pervert alarm

Why should the expectation be on women to carry alarms? The new pervert alarm, mandatory for all men 16 or over, blares ‘I AM A PERVERT!’ in a penetratingly high pitch from a hidden speaker, alerting everyone in the area that a man is inappropriately aroused in a public space before he commits his nefarious crimes.

Investment? £250 million for five per cent. Jeff Bezos’s ex is poised to invest. Act now.

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Teenage boy uses entire can of Lynx on each armpit

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy has emptied an entire aerosol of Lynx Africa into each armpit in preparation for the day to come. 

Oliver O’Connor of Stoke-on-Trent is spending the day hanging out with mates and may enjoy fleeting contact with girls, so felt it prudent to douse himself with 300ml of powerful deodorant.

Deborah, Oliver’s mother, said: “I dismissed the hissing from upstairs at first, but when it continued for 15 minutes I investigated. That was my error.

“When I opened Oliver’s bedroom door I was immediately enveloped in a noxious cloud of cheap, eye-watering scent. A single spark would have blown up the house, the street and much of the West Midlands.

“He left, taking his toxic mantle with him. Birds fell to the ground, instantly dead. Pensioners had to be given oxygen. The Army arrived, having received word of a chemical attack. But beneath it all you could still catch the lingering BO.”

Oliver said: “Lynx isn’t just deodorant. It’s pheromones that short-circuit girls’ brains into being uncontrollably attracted to you. I used six quid’s worth so it can’t fail.

“Admittedly I’ve got a blinding headache, a hacking cough and I’ve given myself moderate to severe chemical burns, but it’ll be worth it if I get a snog.”