ONCE again you’re astride the porcelain facing five imaginary millionaires desperate to invest in the game-changers you come up with mid-dump, like these:
An automatic toilet roll replacer
A brainwave that hit when you ran out of paper and the resupply was too far to reach. Basically a spring-loaded, motion-activated device that automatically ejects the old cardboard while a grabber hand loads a new one, end folded into a triangle like in posh hotels. You haven’t worked out the mechanics. That’s for the little people.
Investment? £500,000 for a 10 per cent share.
A dating app swiper
Tired of scrolling through endless grinning pricks and giving yourself premature arthritis? This new AI robot – essentially a pendulum with a cotton bud on the end – will automatically sort the wheat (hot people) from the chaff (anyone using a ‘pineapple on pizza’ line) and set you up for nightly casual sex.
Investment? £750,000 for a 20 per cent share. Take it or leave it.
The shopping travelator
Getting shopping from the front door to the fridge is a pain in the arse when you’re already exhausted by your own self-indulgent consumerism. This system of item-sorting conveyor belts takes your items, places them carefully on shelves and puts the bags back in the boot. Peter Jones will go apeshit for it.
Investment? £2 million for a 35 per cent share. Don’t miss out on this.
The coffee IV
It’s impossible to get caffine into your system fast enough on weekday mornings, so cut out your inefficient guts and present the Dragons with a drip pumping frappe latte right into your arm. Comes in multiple flavours despite there being no taste buds in your veins, that’s just a nice extra. Has a warning label so you can’t be sued if anyone ODs.
Investment? £16 million for ten per cent and that’s your final offer. This makes Levi Roots look like a tired man at a car boot sale.
A pervert alarm
Why should the expectation be on women to carry alarms? The new pervert alarm, mandatory for all men 16 or over, blares ‘I AM A PERVERT!’ in a penetratingly high pitch from a hidden speaker, alerting everyone in the area that a man is inappropriately aroused in a public space before he commits his nefarious crimes.
Investment? £250 million for five per cent. Jeff Bezos’s ex is poised to invest. Act now.