20th century rewritten to take out all the unpleasantness

THE 20th century has been rewritten by sensitivity readers to remove all the distressing references to race, gender and mental health. 

Readers admitted they were horrified by how out-of-date the period between 1900 and 1999 had become, and have made changes to several passages of its history to avoid offending modern sensibilities.

Sensitivity reader Hannah Tomlinson said: “It’s not suitable for children and frankly could be upsetting for adults. It’s been the 21st century for 23 years now, so there’s no excuse.

“For example World War Two, long held up as ‘our finest hour’. Really? Because to contemporary eyes it’s nothing but racism, nationalism and inefficient conflict resolution. We’ve kept it in but shortened it and taken out all the unnecessary prejudice.

“Likewise the Sixties may have seemed ‘cool’ at the time but were deeply misogynist. Mick Jagger was clearly queer-coded so that’s been made explicit, Twiggy’s plus-sized and the Queen gets to be prime minister.

“How are we expected to learn from the past when it’s setting such a bad example? Our new 20th century is fairer, kinder and more understanding of different viewpoints. It should have been like that all along.”

Nathan Muir, aged 52, said: “Yeah, to be fair, I was there and it was pretty f**king offensive.”

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Can you buy a f**king cucumber? A choose-your-own post-Brexit adventure

YOU need a bit of salad to make your meals less carb-intensive, but can you find a cucumber f**king anywhere? Try your luck with our interactive game: 

1. You note that the vegetable drawer in your fridge is empty, and boldy decide to venture out and purchase some greens. To visit Sainsbury’s, go to 2 or to visit Tesco, go to 3.

2. You enter Sainsbury’s only to be confronted with shelf after shelf of empty green crates, as if stripped bare by a plague of rabbits. Deciding that is typical of their middle-class clientele, you head to Tesco. Go to 3.

3. The fresh section of your local Tesco Extra is denuded of all vegetables like a Soviet shop in 1975. Blaming panic buyers, you assure yourself it can’t be like this everywhere. To visit Morrisons go to 4, or to pop into Asda go to 5.

4. Oddly, despite Morrisons being largely frequented by Northerners, there are no cucumbers, courgettes, or any other vegetables there either. Must have been raided by militant vegans. Surely there’ll be some at Asda. Go to 5.

5. Even Asda, whose shoppers are only familiar with a single vegetable and that in chopped, fried and frozen form, does not have any cucumbers. It’s getting weird now. To nip to the Co-op, go to 6. To try your local corner shop, go to 7.

6. You should have tried the Co-op to begin with, you think as you enter, because its shoppers only buy booze and fags so they’ll have loads of cucumbers. They don’t have any. How can this be? In desperation you run to the corner shop. Go to 7.

7. The smiling proprietor of your local shop, who never lets you down and can provide turkey basters on Christmas Day, explains there are no cucumbers, that no suppliers can provide them, and that the earliest you can expect to see one is May. Go to 8.

8. Returning home, you sit down to a meal without sliced cucumber, leading inevitably to high cholesterol, blocked arteries and an early death. No politician has anything to say about this so it can’t be Brexit’s fault. Maybe they never existed?