French Trader Was Forced To Work 30 Hours A Week

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: “He was, how you say, une workaholique.

“I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn’t on strike.

“But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

“At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he’d been working for almost six hours.”

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.



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Hain Backs Massive Police Pay Rise

FORMER cabinet minister Peter Hain has broken ranks with his Labour colleagues and backed a massive pay increase for police officers.

Mr Hain said rampant inflation was a price worth paying for a happy and prosperous police force that could then devote much more of its time to hobbies and family life.

He added: "They are the best policemen in the history of the world and I think they should have as much money as they want. I do, I really do."

Mr Hain is also expanding his portfolio of think tanks by setting up the Institute for Keeping Me Out of Jail.

"I felt there weren't enough think tanks of the centre-left exploring what a bad idea it would be if I went to jail," he said.

"It's first task will be an in-depth look at how badly I would cope in a variety of prison settings, from open to maximum security.

"It will also examine how inept I would be at bartering with cigarettes and unwanted pieces of toast."

The Institute's early debates will pose the questions: 'Is a Hundred Grand Really a Lot of Money These Days?' and 'Why the Fuck Hasn't Harriet Harman Resigned As Well?'.

Meanwhile a series of seminars will seek to establish exactly how attractive Peter Hain would be to Mr Big and his gang of sex starved maniacs.