MAJOR gas suppliers are attempting to convert their customers’ bitter tears of woe into an eco-friendly fuel.
With gas prices set to rocket this winter and then probably drop a bit around March or whenever the weather gets decent enough that customers won’t have the heating on anyway, the misery-derived fuel could provide a cheaper alternative.
Gas company boss, Bill McKay, said: “A good proportion of our customers are regularly moved to pathetic hysterics by the arrival of our bills. This is mostly because of tax, but partly because of Audis.
“That isn’t going to change. So fuck you.
“However we can confirm that our scientists are working to hard to derive a renewable fuel source from the nation’s miserable sobbing.”
The low-emission, carbon-efficient tear-based product of the nation’s suffering will be called Sadgas.
Householder Matin Bishop said: “When last winter’s gas bill turned up, I wept like a newly-circumcised four year-old
“It would be nice if my suffering could in some way be harnessed to heat a house. Although it wouldn’t be my house, as I now live in a car on a playing field.”
Energy expert Emma Bradford said: “Gas in the UK is expensive, but you do have a choice. Choosing a gas supplier is now much like selecting products from a shop window. If that shop window contained pictures of you spattered with dog shit.”
She added: “And of course you always have the option to change supplier, after which your previous supplier will call you while you’re having your tea and demand to know why you’re leaving, like a mental ex-girlfriend who is trying to decide whether to come and cut your genitals off with some shears.
“If you see Sid, tell him he’s a fucking arsehole.”