Hastings Pier Symbolic Of Something

THE smouldering shell that was once Hastings Pier is almost certainly symbolic of something or other, it has been confirmed.

Forensic symbologists will today begin sifting through the charred debris in a bid to discover what it all means and what it can teach us about ourselves, with preliminary results expected by the end of the month.

The Victorian pleasure jetty caught fire early yesterday forcing a succession of Sky News presenters to ask middle aged men in bow ties and tweed jackets about Punch and Judy, fish and chips and a simpler, more innocent age where your could call someone a picaninny without being arrested by some dirty great lesbian homo.

Dr Julian Cook, director of the Institute of Applied Forensic Symbology and author of Blazing Piers and How to Interpret Them, said: “Oh yes, this is tremendously symbolic. The reason you can tell is because it’s so large and so badly burned.

“If someone had set fire to a small part of a model of Hastings Pier it wouldn’t have been very symbolic at all.”

He added: “It could represent the death of the traditional English seashell or it may even be a stark metaphor for Britain’s general post-war decline. But my initial hunch is that it’s all very, very sexual.”

Roy Hobbs, 82, from Bexhill, said: “I remember when I was a nipper and my old dad would take us down to the pier on a Saturday morning. We’d buy an ice cream cone from a picaninny and then have a ride on the waltzers.

“And then I’d try to set fire to the whole fucking place.”

He added: “I think it’s symbolic of why we don’t build very large things almost entirely out of wood any more. But I’m just an old man.”



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Is It Racist Even If You Don't Beat Them Up? Asks Cheryl

CHERYL Cole dismissed claims of racism last night, insisting it has been years since she physically attacked a black person.

The nation’s sweetheart is embroiled in controversy after rejecting Zimbabwean X Factor contestant Gamu Nhengu in what experts claim is a chilling echo of the time she beat the hell out of washroom attendant Sophie Amogbokpa.

A Facebook page calling for Gamu to be reinstated has attracted around 130,000 people with the brains of seven year-old schoolgirls, with many claiming Cole is relaunching her bid to be the next Grand Hippopotamus of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

But friends of Cole said she could not possibly be racist, stressing she had been married to a black man who cheated on her repeatedly and then did not even have the decency to send a card when she caught malaria in some God-awful part of Africa.

A source said: “Cheryl is also close friends with Wil.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas, but that doesn’t matter to her. They could be the Orange Eyed Peas for all she cares.”

In an official statement, released last night, Cole said: “I admit there was a time when some folk thought I might have been a bit racist and that. But I totally got it out of me system. It were in the bogs at a club. I had to go to court and everything. Did you see us on the telly?

“Since then I either attack no-one at all, or I attack everyone in the room regardless of the colour of their lovely, lovely skin.

“That said, I do think it’s nicer for the audience when the X Factory is full of lads and lasses who look exactly like me.”

She added: “Now don’t make us kick the fookin’ shit out o’ yeez.”