Councils begin not getting enough salt for winter

LOCAL councils have started ordering insignificant quantities of salt in preparation for a hard winter.

Councillor Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “We’ve learned the lessons of last year and have made sure we have enough to be able to go mental with it during the first couple of days of mild frost, after which we won’t have any.

“It’s not like it’s definitely going to be icy. It might be nice and warm.”

Roy Hobbs, chief executive of Steadbury Council, said: “Salt is really bad for you. I got a leaflet from the council about it. It featured a cartoon character called ‘Spammy the Salt’ and had massive orange writing.”

He added: “I’ve sent dozens of my staff to salt depots in the UK, Europe and beyond so that they can gaze in wonder at the huge piles and then come home immediately without ordering any of it. I like to think I run a pretty tight ship.”

Bristol-based TV news editor Emma Bradford said: “A lack of salt will enable us to have a reporter based permanently at the depot where the salt is stored.

“Lorries will drive back and forth behind them and a balding man in a high-visibility jacket will appear periodically to clarify the absence of salt.”

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Montgomerie Dedicates Ryder Cup Victory To Jesus

EUROPE’S Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie last night said the victory would not have been possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ.

Dedicating the win to his ‘lord and saviour’, Montgomerie said it was a privilege to be able to use his talents to please Almighty God.

As Celtic Manor reverberated to chants of ‘E-E-C! number one!’ the 47 year-old Scot insisted the 14½ – 13½ triumph was testament to the core European values of freedom, hard work and regular church attendance.

He said: “I just feel so lucky that I have been able to fulfil my potential thanks to the love of Jesus Christ my saviour and the constitutional rights guaranteed to me under the Treaty of Lisbon.

“I knew there was no way we could lose as long as I prayed hard every night and chose players who had accepted Jesus into their hearts. I guess that’s why – when it comes to golf – Europe is God’s chosen continent.”

England’s Ian Poulter added: “I would like to send a big ‘shout out’ to my pastor and the members of my bible study group.

“I can’t wait to pray with you guys this weekend.”

Tom Logan, golf commentator for US TV channel ABC, stressed Montgomerie had made a ‘very European’ speech that would probably have made American audiences feel slightly uncomfortable.

He added: “Europeans are very open about their faith and believe that it has a direct effect on whether or not they win things, like golf matches and oil wars.

“Imagine if we were like that? Euuurgh.”