Happiness Finally Available In Department Stores

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

Scientists have worked for decades to synthesise the essence of all that is good in life into a pot of off-white cream that can be applied to any part of the body to produce a meaningful, fulfilled sensation previously only attainable as a result of genuine human emotion.

The exact ingredients of the product remain a closely-guarded secret but it is believed to combine childhood memories, sunsets and maternal love in a petroleum jelly base. It is distinguished from other forms of happiness by being spelled with a capital H.

A spokesman for Happiness said: “We’re ecstatic to offer consumers complete spiritual fulfilment at easy-on-the-pocket prices. It’s really one in the eye for cynics.

“Happiness overrides all issues of conscience and will make you feel as good as if you’d just successfully performed a dangerous altruistic act involving kittens and fire, and then returned home to a surprise party with everyone you like most in the world. And it won’t block your pores.”

Research by the Institute for Studies has found that Happiness is as good as, or better than, any other experience any person will ever have.

An economy ‘Value Happiness’ range will be launched in the autumn, which manufacturers claim will be roughly equivalent to discovering an uncle you quite like is now recovering from a life-threatening illness.

Teacher Tom Logan said : “I had previously tried to achieve happiness chiefly through nurturing relationships with my family. It’s great not to have to bother with that any more.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis added: “Buying the right product really does put everything else into perspective.”


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Anna Chapman Also Has Fantastic Tits, Claims FBI

ANNA CHAPMAN, the suspected Russian spy, also has a cracking set of charlies, the FBI confirmed last night.

US investigators are concerned that the international media has become obsessed with Chapman’s face and flowing red hair and has lost sight of the fact that her tits are absolutely phenomenal.

A spokesman said: “Let’s not forget what we are dealing with here. And imagine the damage they could have done to our democracy as they bounced up and down on top of it for hours on end.

“This was nothing less than an attempt to have a long, hot, soapy shower with the highest levels of our government. Really, really soapy. Soap everywhere…


He added: “Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the point is, this woman needs to remain in custody for ages.

“At the moment we see no need for her to even go on trial. She’s much better off where she is, just doing her stretching exercises and eating lots of ice lollies.”

Chapman has been charged with one count of refusing to accept a fake passport from an undercover FBI agent and one count of having the kind of dirty-pretty face that suggests she may know those sexual positions previously believed to be mythical.

Meanwhile it has emerged that the other female spy suspects arrested last week range from somewhat dowdy, to weird looking, to out and out big fat cow.

An FBI source said ‘Patricia Mills’ was found in possession of a baked bean with a camera in it, a lipstick that turns into a gun that turns into a helicopter and a brand new pair of knife-shoes.

But the source added: “Unfortunately she also has a slight moustache, a wonky left eye and tremendously disappointing boobs.

“We’ll probably just let her go.”