LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.
Rumours have been circulating the internet that a heavily oiled ***** was also used and needed ****ing with an electric *****.
The ***** was later discovered upside down with a ****** on its ***** and covered from head to toe in a ******-like substance.
Sources claim the ***** was subsequently ****** at least twice and then destroyed.
But Gerrard insisted last night: “If you don’t **** your ***** I’ll ***** in the ***** with a rubber *****, like you were playing Phil Collins.
“All the rumours doing the rounds have about as much truth as the ones that say Robbie Williams likes ****.
“Anybody who knows Robbie knows he loves ******* a **** with a ***** just as anybody who knows me knows I wouldn’t be able to **** a **** with a ****** even if I wanted to.”
The rumours appear to have been started by somebody working at Liverpool FC and the press is frantically trying to track him down as he seems to be friends with approximately two-thirds of the male population of Britain.
Journalist Charlie Reeves said: “Going by the phone calls we’ve had from members of the public, this guy has texted approximately 6.8 million people in the last few days. If anybody’s heard somebody moaning about getting a six-figure mobile phone bill, do put them in touch.”
Newly-installed Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has defended Gerrard, saying: “Steven has assured me that nobody has ****ed his *** with ******* ****ade that shouldn’t have. Apart from anything else, nobody could play an entire season of football with a **** full of *******, could they?
“But having just left the Chelsea area, I can confirm that everything you’ve heard about John Terry is absolutely true, including the story about him hating *****s, **** and the *****.”
