Ikea customers realise it's all shit

HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.

The company has grown into one of the most successful in history thanks to a combination of low prices and carefully targeted Swedishness.

Business analyst Wayne Hayes said: “For years people at dinner parties have been saying things like, ‘it’s actually really nice’ or ‘I don’t know how they sell it so cheap’ or ‘it’s probably made by slaves’.

“These latest figures suggest consumers have acknowledged that rather than being efficient and clever, most Ikea stuff is actually just a lot of shit.”

Hayes added: “We must also entertain the possibility that some people may have finally realised that there’s more to life than their fucking living rooms.”

Ikea said it will make radical changes across the business including its first ever range of comfortable chairs and a selection of kitchen cupboard doors that do not have to be refitted every 15 minutes.

From April 2016 the company will also include some basic form of meat in its hotdogs in a bid to improve the current recipe of baking powder and mechanically recovered chewing gum.

The downbeat announcement follows last week’s celebration of the one millionth ‘nice jugs’ comment at the company’s Edinburgh store.

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The Campbell Diaries, Part 1: 'Bagpipes'

MAY 4, 1997: Moved into my Number 10 office today. Needs some decor. Will bring portrtait of Bob Maxwell from home. TB wants to 'hit the ground running'. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson has ordered a pommel horse for his office. God only knows.


MAY 17, 1997: Have taken up running. Helps stoke my aggression before I face the Lobby. Michael White from the Guardian is getting on my tits again. Would anyone really miss him if he just disappeared? Had a chat with Gordon today. Out of his fucking mind. Lovely bloke. Best of luck to him. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Max Hasting's doorstep.

JUNE 14, 1997: Leak a story to the Evening Standard diary about Princess Diana fancying me. She does. Oh yes. So do the Spice Girls and Patsy Kensit. TB wants me to push the 'Cool Britannia' theme. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson's office is now full of black leather and little Greek statues. What's that about?

JULY, 25, 1997: Bernie Ecclestone is very short. I mean, he's half the size of me. Maybe that's what drives him. He seems to get the birds as well. (Big cock?). Anyway, it turns out the million quid was a bribe after all. TB wants to give the money back, for a while at least. JP (John Prescott) doesn't have a problem with fag adverts but that's because he's proper working class. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Peter Hitchen's doorstep.

AUGUST 24, 1997: Michael White has finally gone too far. Called me a bully and a psychopath. He has no cocking idea. Currently have him gagged and locked in a cupboard in the Cabinet Office while I ponder my next move. Suspect he'll change his tune after 20 minutes with me and my 'bagpipes'.