Ikea customers realise it’s all shit

HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.

The company has grown into one of the most successful in history thanks to a combination of low prices and carefully targeted Swedishness.

Business analyst Wayne Hayes said: “For years people at dinner parties have been saying things like, ‘it’s actually really nice’ or ‘I don’t know how they sell it so cheap’ or ‘it’s probably made by slaves’.

“These latest figures suggest consumers have acknowledged that rather than being efficient and clever, most Ikea stuff is actually just a lot of shit.”

Hayes added: “We must also entertain the possibility that some people may have finally realised that there’s more to life than their fucking living rooms.”

Ikea said it will make radical changes across the business including its first ever range of comfortable chairs and a selection of kitchen cupboard doors that do not have to be refitted every 15 minutes.

From April 2016 the company will also include some basic form of meat in its hotdogs in a bid to improve the current recipe of baking powder and mechanically recovered chewing gum.

The downbeat announcement follows last week’s celebration of the one millionth ‘nice jugs’ comment at the company’s Edinburgh store.