Investigation ordered into Gringotts Wizarding Bank

BRITAIN’S top wizarding bank may be broken up after the Ministry of Magic ordered a wide-ranging investigation into its activities.

The goblin-run institution is accused of failing to properly store hazardous materials, accepting picture ID from known shapechangers, and letting a trio of schoolchildren break into a vault and escape on a dragon.

Goblin bank manager Bill McKay said: “It’s true that we made some unwise investments in Chinese wand woods, that insuring alchemists was a mistake, and that having immortals on final-salary pensions is a massive drain.

“But our exposure to the sub-prime gryphon market is lower than estimated and our business model of storing stacks of jewels in underground tunnels is still better than anything the Muggles have come up with.”

Goblin clerk Helen Archer said: “Apparently they’re not going to let us take the gold home to sleep with anymore.

“Bollocks to this, I’m accepting that offer from Goldman Sachs. At least they’re upfront about it all being mystical mumbo-jumbo to hide that they’re ripping you off.”


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Cumberbatch to marry someone he’s met

FANS of Benedict Cumberbatch are outraged at the actor’s decision to marry a woman he has actually met face to face.

The star has snubbed the thousands of admirers who send him collaged pictures of him and them together to propose to Sophie Hunter, who many feel has abused her unfair advantage of being in a relationship with Cumberbatch.

Self-styled Cumberbitch Emma Bradford said: “Benedict, you have let us all down.

“Has Sophie Hunter got your face tattooed across her back? Has she written a fan fiction series where you run away together and open a zoo in Tasmania?

“No. Instead she’s snared you with conversation, a genuine emotional connection and I don’t doubt sex.

“I never thought you were that shallow.”

Bradford is switching her adoration to Homeland star Damien Lewis, who eschews real-world relationships in favour of women completely besotted with a fabricated idea of him based on his performance as somebody else.