BRITAIN’S top wizarding bank may be broken up after the Ministry of Magic ordered a wide-ranging investigation into its activities.
The goblin-run institution is accused of failing to properly store hazardous materials, accepting picture ID from known shapechangers, and letting a trio of schoolchildren break into a vault and escape on a dragon.
Goblin bank manager Bill McKay said: “It’s true that we made some unwise investments in Chinese wand woods, that insuring alchemists was a mistake, and that having immortals on final-salary pensions is a massive drain.
“But our exposure to the sub-prime gryphon market is lower than estimated and our business model of storing stacks of jewels in underground tunnels is still better than anything the Muggles have come up with.”
Goblin clerk Helen Archer said: “Apparently they’re not going to let us take the gold home to sleep with anymore.
“Bollocks to this, I’m accepting that offer from Goldman Sachs. At least they’re upfront about it all being mystical mumbo-jumbo to hide that they’re ripping you off.”