Best way to get pesticides banned is to claim they're legal highs

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are claiming to get a massive buzz off harmful pesticides in order to get them banned.

More than 40 pesticides have been labelled as plant food, given suggestive new names like Gaboon Viper, Wow-Wow Party and Sherbet Revolver, and immediately reclassified as controlled substances.

Green activist Susan Traherne said: “Lidilcarb is one of the most dangerous pesticides around, killing swathes of woodland animals and causing calves to be born with five legs, and nobody gives a shit.

“But when I claimed me and my mate Skins had done two lines of it on Saturday night and were so spannered we buried ourselves up to the knees, it was illegal before I’d finished talking.”

Police are already planning raids on large farming cartels around the country, causing the farmers to flush their stashes and kill every living thing downstream for 100 miles.

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Make final Pink Floyd album your final album, over-50s urged

ANYONE over 50 who still listens to music has been told they can have this one last Pink Floyd album and then stop.

The Endless River is the first album by the prog-rock giants in 20 years, during which time their aging fans have regrettably continued to spoil perfectly decent bands for others.

Tom Booker, a 32 year-old A&R man, said: “Fair enough, you can have this one and then let’s knock it on the head, eh?

“You’re just bringing everyone down. If you keep buying Neil Young albums then he’ll keep producing them and that’s not helping anybody.

“When you’re into our stuff it puts us off. I can’t listen to The Black Keys now without seeing the nodding silver pate of the bloke in front of me at their gig.

“Get this CD – yes, we know you don’t buy mp3s, you like something to hold in your hand – play it once and that’s you done.”

Pink Floyd themselves confirmed that they are happy if their fans never buy an album ever again as long as they continue to buy the box-sets.