The Mash guide to Labour’s leadership challengers

ED Miliband is facing challenges to his leadership for the first time since he was elected by mistake in 2010. But who are the men and women hoping to be loathed slightly less than David Cameron?

Andy Burnham doing his famous Ed Miliband impression

Ed Balls: Real name Eduardo Cojones, this self-styled political heavyweight has enjoyed a smooth run as shadow chancellor because nobody pays any attention to anything he says. As prime minister would do exactly what the Tories are doing and actively enjoy lying about it. Has no chance as everybody hates his guts including Yvette Cooper, who is much more likely to win. Married to Yvette Cooper.

Andy Burnham: Never seen without full eye makeup, the shadow health secretary wants to make a soul-forfeiting pact with the hosts of Hell to keep the NHS running for another 50 years, but knows it’s just another name for PFI.

Norman Baker: Principled politician whose belief in UFOs and government conspiracies would win support among the people who watch that sort of thing on YouTube. Currently a Liberal Democrat, but the public are not thought to have noticed.

Spandau Ballet: Reformed 80s soulsters deliver left-wing messages over smooth, seductive backing to win over floating voters. Fears that schism between Kemp brothers could spark civil war.

Sam Allardyce: Automatically linked to any underperforming team since 2007, Allardyce would simplify tactics, get the best out of the talent on the bench and take Labour into a commanding lead. Will not get the post because nobody wants to be outdone by someone fat and unattractive.


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Product somehow succeeds without social media bullshit

A PACKET of four-inch roofing nails is mysteriously selling to the public without having a Facebook page.

The galvanised steel nails, available from hardware stores nationwide, have no online brand presence, no Twitter and no website with Flash games for the kids.

Builder Tom Logan said: “I needed nails for a garage we were working on, so naturally I checked out the Likes and Shares on my news feed.

“When that didn’t work I went to trending hashtags, and when that failed I just went to the shop blind, wondering if there were Instagram stories I’d missed.

“Amazingly they were just there on a shelf, in a strange, alien pack that didn’t have a quirky story about the founders’ passion for nails.

“They seem to work. But I don’t feel engaged with their consumer narrative.”

Social media consultant Carolyn Ryan said: “Because it hasn’t made a genuine connection with the public, the product has no audience loyalty.

“Its customers will drift away and use something more popular, like Oreos or Monster Energy drinks, to fasten down their roofing felt instead.”