It's the beheadings I miss the most, says homesick Saudi King

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.

The King, who arrived in London yesterday to complete his purchase of the British Government, said: “Tyranny is marvellous thing, but it’s a bugger to travel with.

“I have to leave behind the Rolls Royce toilets and the beatings of women. I come to a cheap country where women do not have to wear a large canvas tent.”

He added: “Next time I shall bring Hassan the Royal Swordsman and we’ll do some beheadings in lobby of the Dorchester. Yes?”

The King, a moderniser who is slowly dragging his country into the 11th century, will be welcomed officially by the Queen.

He will then spend the rest of day sitting on a vast silk cushion in the corner of the Throne Room, breaking wind and working his way through a pair of marinated goats.

He will spend Wednesday buying Leeds, Bristol, Gateshead and Barbara Windsor.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the King was an honoured guest adding: “You are wise and just and you have the proud genitals of an ox.

“Please come, my lovely friend, and see our high-quality killing machines.”


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Oil Price Rise Caused By Pixies

THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.

As the cost of Brent crude approaches $100 a bucket, international experts and the media have been puzzled by the recent price jumps.

Bill McKay, Professor of Oil Price Rises at Glasgow Clyde University, said: "Reserves are at normal levels and oil wells are not being blown up by terrorists or Americans or even destroyed by oddly named hurricanes.

"We looked at every possible scenario and were left with one unavoidable conclusion: cheeky pixies."

He added: "Supported by an extensive network of sprites, nymphs and fairies, the pixies are infiltrating stock market computers and changing all the numbers."

According to Professor McKay the creatures then run amok across petrol station forecourts changing the big price sign you can see from the road and fiddling with the pumps.

"They're ever so cheeky and naughty, while at the same time doing untold damage to the economic system that guarantees our well being," he said.

"If you see a pixie or a sprite you must catch it, put it in a jar and give it to the zoo."

Professor McKay stressed that the price rises are, "absolutely nothing to do with a bunch of profiteering shits".