Jailed trader to dig escape tunnel behind poster of Thatcher

LIBOR rigger Tom Hayes is to tunnel out of prison using a poster of Margaret Thatcher as cover.

The trader, sentenced to 14 years, has already manipulated inter-cell block tobacco lending rates to amass himself more than £1.2 million in snouts and a pension of 600,000 rolling papers a year.

He used the money to buy the poster, a classic shot of Margaret Thatcher frolicking with a beach ball at Port Stanley, and set a Crossrail tunnel boring machine to work behind it.

Prison fixer Tom “Red” Booker said: “We get a lot of City boys in here so we sell life-size pin-ups of Thatcher, Merkel, Reagan and Mexican cartel boss Joaquin Guzman Loera.”

The governor and warders are powerless to stop the escape because it is conducted in full accordance with the free-market principles on which the prison is run.

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Man celebrates 30th birthday by abandoning dreams

A MAN has celebrated the end of his twenties by accepting that none of his childhood ambitions will ever come to pass.

Martin Bishop had hoped to become a professional tennis player but this is now officially in the past.

Instead, he is going to make the best of working in an insurance call centre, hopefully becoming a supervisor and perhaps working his way up to regional services manager by the age of 40.

Bishop said: “It’s not as fun as my 18th birthday, when my parents gave me a car.

“Actually I sold that car last year to pay for more tennis lessons, which on reflection was pointless.

“It could be worse. I’d rather not have a tennis career at all than have to put up with the kind of hassle that Tim Henman went through. He probably wishes he had been a claims analyst.

He added: “Yes, it could be a lot, lot worse. I’m healthy, that’s the main thing.

“Yes it is.”