High-earning houses ban humans from living in them

HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.

With property prices at another record high, most houses now have a much higher socio-economic status than the people who want to live in them.

Three-bedroomed semi Donna Sheridan said: “I’m worth £1.4 million, so I don’t want a load of apes stinking the place out with their heated food meals while they sit around that screen thing. And I’m definitely past allowing anyone to have sex in me.

“Thanks to the housing bubble I earn more in a year than a dentist, so I can easily pay all the bills myself without a bunch of carbon-based organisms doing disgusting things in my toilet.

“If anyone wanted to move in they’d have to be a better class of person. Someone like Fiona Bruce would be okay, although she can forget it if she’s got a dog.”

Britain’s most desirable properties have now entered the ranks of the super-rich, with a luxury townhouse in Knightsbridge currently rumoured to be dating Pippa Middleton.

Converted Cheshire farmhouse Tom Logan said: “It’s just not practical for people to live in a wealthy house like me because I’m out partying with models all the time or flying my private plane.

“I’m the breadwinner around here so it’s only fair that I should make the rules. I call it ‘house power’.”