Jedward Turned Into Subway Filling

TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

The Jedward was humanely destroyed on stage at T4’s Shit in a Park after half of it was injured while performing its biggest hit, a mime to a DAT of a cover of a cover of a cover of Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.

The pop phenomenon’s meat has now been purchased by sandwich giant Subway and processed to become the third or fourth most important filling in the ‘Jedball Ranch Sub’.

A spokesman said: “It comes with our trademark bewildering range of identical sauces on 17,000 kinds of bread and served by a defeated-looking man in a polo shirt and fetish gloves whose life has ground to a halt in a convenient city centre location.

“There is no more fitting and delicious end to a glittering career spent mouthing words at vast crowds of fat girls in provincial car parks.”

An X Factor spokesman added: “We’re proud to team up with Subway, a brand whose smell permeates Britain’s high streets almost as strongly as our own.”

Jedward fan Nikki Hollis,from Doncaster, said: “When I saw T4 host Steve Jones fire a gas-powered bolt into Jedward’s foreheads, I thought it was the end. Really it was just the beginning.

“I got a piece of toenail in my Jedball Sub! I’m going to have it made into a pendant!”

She added: “I was hoping for some bell-end but this is even better because it lasts forever. My mate Mandy got an eyeball and I stood on it because I was jealous.

“When I grow up I want to be famous, either as a singer or as food.”

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Government Unveils School App

THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.

As part of a programme to restrict all government services to people who own a mobile phone made by Apple, state schools will be burned to the ground and their services provided via the iTunes store.

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “Choice in education must, logically, include the choice not to be educated. If it doesn’t then we will be guilty of denying our children the choice not to choose choice.

“By transferring their school’s functions to the iTunes store, children can then choose whether they want to spend 99p on a geography lesson, or the one that makes your face look fat.”

He added: “What possible difference could it make?”

Mr Gove said the spaces previously occupied by large, unwieldy schools could be used to build Disney Stores where children who downloaded the learning app will get jobs selling 3D versions of Pixar films to people whose parents had the guts to pay for a private education.

Labour gave a cautious welcome to the plans but called for a safety net for poor children who have not yet been able to steal an iPhone.

Shadow education secretary Ed Balls said: “Maybe we could print the names of capital cities and some basic maths problems on the back of a packet of 10 Silk Cut.

“Then at least they might mention that Quito is the capital of Ecuador while they’re blowing their unsheathed muck up their 15 year-old girlfriend’s younger sister. And thus the knowledge is transferred.”

Meanwhile experts have defended the government’s move towards iPhone user-only public services.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “iPhone users have the most muscular sperm and the curviest and most luscious eggs.

“We must keep them safe by developing apps which tell them where to find the British consulate in Gdansk and how to apply for a new tax disc.”

He added: “As long as we do not allow ourselves to be distracted by sentimentality, then the last person not descended from an iPhone user should die sometime in 2094.”