Wax Attack

This week’s hottest new single releases

Das Shittz: rubbish

Das Shittz – You Are Not My Daddy
The band recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after he bricked them up into a chimney until they got a drum snare right. The unmixed master tapes were later fired into the sky with a rocket launcher and magically came down again fully mixed and with added backing vocals. Despite all of that, it’s awful.

The Smarm Targets – (i wanna) get (inside your multiplying hut)
Operating on the lower end of the Neck Rock scale, the Targets here lyrically recount the incident when they rode their motorbikes straight through the Maths Tepee at last year’s Glasto. A musical based on their career opens next-month at the Maidstone Flying Clipboard and the band have booked the venue for the next eighteen years.

Froster Panhandle – 12 Quid for the Table, I’ll Leave the Chairs
Panhandle’s comeback single after his voicebox was removed by a judge. His pained gargling combined with the tragedy samples create a surprisingly laid-back vibe. All royalties from the sale of this single will be thrown into a hole.

Five Guys Named Bernie Mapplethorpe – This is This is This is This
Finally, a debut single from the renowned octogenarian ADD sufferers. Has none of the frenetic nature of the band’s chaotic live shows, although you can hear singer Whaffam’s bandy legs creaking after each chorus if you listen hard enough.

Le Squelch Cosmetique – Vinnie, Les Pouffes Militaire?
A ballad addressed to Vinnie Jones from the perspective of the spectre of Buster Keaton. In the song, Keaton quizzes Vinnie on his attitudes towards gays in the military. The long instrumental expanses after each of the ghostly funnyman’s probing questions have a haunting poignancy.

Pigeon Christmas – Summer Dance of the Feral Harlequin (single edit)
A chopped-down version of the second side of their classic neo-underprog album of the same name from 1973. Re-released after being used in a Vodafone ad, the lengthy spoken-word passage in the made-up language of ‘Bjinctura’ thankfully looms large here.