Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job

JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.

The Son of God said that out of all his close friends, Blair was always the most likely to accumulate vast amounts of wealth at the expense of ordinary people.

Jesus said: "I'm chuffed to bits. We've always really clicked and he just totally gets what I'm on about.

"It's like when I said that thing about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

"Tony realised straight away that what I was actually saying was 'peddle your influence for half a million a year with a really big bank'.

"Y'see, the beauty of it is he can do the bank number, help them exploit the holy living shit out of third world markets and have plenty of time left for a few other half-a-mil directorships. It's an incredibly sweet deal.

"And I'm totally made up that he went with JP Morgan too, because they have this long-standing tradition of giving all of their profits to the poor and hungry, as per my instructions."

Christ added: "Stuff like this always reminds me of that crazy day I stormed the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers. What an absolute hoot.

"You should have seen their faces. I'm going mental and they were all like 'what the fuck?'.

"Meanwhile I'm giving it, 'my father's house' this, and 'den of thieves' that, while totally trying not to laugh."

Sources close to Blair said he will use the money to get his wife's face repaired.

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M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Chief executive Sir Stuart Rose said the retailer’s failure to shift a single ‘carrot in a box’ at just £14.99 suggested the country was only months away from anarchy and civil war.

However, analysts blamed the retail giant's financial woes on a poor buying strategy after it failed to get its hands on sufficient stocks of this year’s surprise Christmas top sellers: tinned baked beans and guns.

Wayne Hayes, of Conceptomatix, said many high street retailers had done well out of the season's must have items including: 

  • Water purification tablets
  • Body armour
  • Amputation saws
  • Live pigs

Hayes said: “Tesco was knocking out a box of 48 tins of value beans, a 12-bore and 20 cartridges, and a gas mask for only £19.99 and they were flying off the shelves right up until Christmas Eve.

“All M&S had to offer was a pair of Purdeys with a jar of cassoulet and a ripe stilton for ten grand, but they only had about a 100 of them and they were all gone by the end of November.

He added: “If you’ve got the right stuff you can still shift it. My mate Stevo has an army surplus place and he’s been selling camouflage hats and loads of really big knives. And chainsaws.”

Brand consultant Nikki Hollis blamed M&S’s poor Christmas performance on “that fucking advert”.

She added: “If Dervla Kirwan likes the honey-glazed carrots that much why doesn’t she just shove them up her glory hole?”