Job interviews where you ‘really get on’ mean you’re shit

JOB interviewers are chatty and laugh at your jokes if they think you are time-wasting scum, it has emerged.

Relaxed interviews that are humorous or feel more like a chat indicate the candidate has been judged too pathetic for a serious workplace with grown-up people doing important jobs.

HR manager Donna Sheridan said: “We do the friendly thing if we’re killing time before the next worthwhile interview, which hopefully will be a dead-eyed work obsessive because they’re the most productive ones.

“The idiots think we’re all getting along famously, but really we despise their needy attempts at friendship. Also I couldn’t give a shit whether they’ve got interesting hobbies or just spend their weekends staring at a wall.”

Recent graduate Tom Logan said: “I had a terrific interview recently where the boss Peter laughed at all my jokes, and his deputy Lucy kept smiling at me with her lovely teeth.

“Afterwards I had a bit of a fantasy about Peter becoming my friend and mentor, and Lucy going out with me. Then someone I hadn’t met sent me a one-line rejection email.”

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “I definitely aced my last interview because they instantly recognised how suitable I was and spent the next 45 minutes talking about which is the best pizza chain.

“I haven’t heard back yet, but that’s probably because they’re really nice people and they’re busy sending out supportive rejection letters to everyone else.”

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Van Gaal managing United as community service

LOUIS Van Gaal cannot leave United until he has completed his 380 hours of community service, it has emerged. 

The manager attempted to resign after Saturday’s loss to Southampton, but was told that it would violate the terms of his probation and he would be sent to prison. 

He said: “It was a dispute with a neighbour back in Amsterdam, I got angry and flung mud over their clean washing, and the court was hard on me because it was not the first time. 

“Okay, I thought, how bad can Manchester be? But oh my God so depressing, the rain and the food and Wayne Rooney.

“They say I still have 68 hours left which takes me to the end of the season. Perhaps prison might be better.”

The Dutchman faces half-hearted competition for his job from Jose Mourinho, who was forced to send the club a letter explaining that he would manage them under threat of his benefits being sanctioned.