THE traditional John Lewis Boxing Day advert will tell the story of the ‘snow-wife’ returning her new hat, scarf and gloves because she absolutely hates them.
Despite her husband Ian’s bravery and thoughtfulness, Fiona Snowman will set off for her nearest John Lewis store to take advantage of their liberal returns policy.
A spokesman said: “Like most British husbands, Ian bent over backwards to do a nice thing, only to have it thrown back in his face by some fat, ungrateful bitch.
“It’s a Christmas story as old as the Nativity.”
He added: “But now we want to tell ‘Fiona’s Tale’. Her weary disappointment which then builds to a throbbing anger and then her relief when she sees the John Lewis label and knows she will be able to exchange her husband’s stupid, pointless gift – that makes her look even fatter – for something she actually wanted.
“In this case a Kenwood IM200 ice cream maker for just £24.99.”
The advert will show Fiona setting off across the fields, to the strains of Two Tribes, as Ian wakes up to find a note which reads: “I’m made of snow – why would I want to keep my head warm?
“If those children hadn’t removed the hat, you’d have spent Christmas with a headless corpse. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Meanwhile, a BBC Newsnight investigation is set to finally reveal where Ian got the money.
A spokesman said: “Unfortunately, Britain’s alleyways are filled with Conservative MPs who crave the cold, wet mouth of a snowman.”