Kate Moss billboard collapse ‘an omen of second recession’

THE falling of a Kate Moss hoarding onto shoppers augurs another recession, according to financial soothsayers.

A seven-foot Oxford Street billboard displaying Moss’s face was presiding over the busy retail area when it fell mysteriously, injuring three consumers and severing a window shopper’s head.

Monetary prophets have been alert for any supernatural indication of economic disaster since 2008’s spontaneous combustion of a Heidi Klum bus advert which immediately preceded the last global recession.

Commercial harbinger Wayne Hayes claims to have been visited in a dream by the giant billboard of Kate Moss.

He said: “We were all waiting for a sign and it came to us in the form of a sign.  

“Other omens of financial ruin are already manifest. There have been reports of a giant marshmallow Alan Sugar lolloping through Bristol’s Cabot Circus retail area.

“And a semi-translucent floating Cash Converters outlet, staffed by strange shining beings, appeared on a pub roof in Norwich.”

Managers at Manchester’s Trafford Centre have responded to the premonitory hoarding fall by installing a sacrificial altar in the disabled toilets.



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Urban foxes channel energy into DJing

DELINQUENT inner city foxes are being offered free weekend courses in DJ and MC skills in a bid to give them positive focus.

As the numbers of young foxes implicated in petty street crime continues to grow, it is hoped that the music workshops will help them channel their energies and perhaps give them the basis for a career in the recording industry.

Youth worker Roy Hobbs, co-ordinator of the FoxBeatz project, said:  “I typically have eight foxes in a group, taking turns to share a pair of turntables and a microphone.

“The hardest part is getting them to wear headphones, and I’ve got multiple puncture wounds to prove it.

“Mostly they just run around barking, shitting and frantically trying to hurl themselves out of the window. But if you can get them relaxed and on side it’s really good.

“Foxes get a lot of negative press, but really they just need an outlet for their wild and passionate natures.”

Three-year-old fox Bill McKay said: “Life on the streets is tough. Last week I got shot in the thigh with an air pistol, for no reason.

“Just being able to come here and do my own mix CD, it gives me a lot of confidence.”