Landlords demand right of life and death over tenants

BRITISH landlords have demanded their powers over tenants be extended to life and death.

Currently landlords can kill tenants by providing them with accommodation aggressively hostile to life, but this still allows many tenants to escape leaving behind nothing but their deposits.

Norman Steele of the National Bastard Landlords Association said: “Eviction can take a couple of painful months and killing is instant, freeing up living space and helping the economy.

“These outdated laws are punishing buy-to-let landlords. And the laws about not allowing hidden cameras need to go while we’re at it.”

Renter Joanna Kramer said: “I asked my landlord to fix the stairs, which haven’t been there since June, and she came at me with a knife screaming ‘Die, scum parasite.’

“I probably won’t tell her about the thing in the toilet.”


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Ronaldo to use solid gold ball for rest of season

CRISTIANO Ronaldo has pledged to take free-kicks with a solid gold ball.

The Real Madrid star will be brought the Ballon d’Or on a platter for each free-kick and will add the presentation of the ball to his current five-minute pre-kick ritual.

Doctors have urged Ronaldo not to kick the ball, stressing it is only intended to be symbolic and not designed for match play.

The Portuguese player first won the trophy  in 2008, but he suffered a dip in form after spending much of the season staring at his own reflection in the shiny orb.

A Real Madrid spokesman said: “We’ve told him that kicking it will almost certainly break his foot, but he thinks we’re being stupid.

“We’ve given up trying to tell him what to do. That’s why he wears skin-tight pink jeans and refers to himself as ‘CR7’.”