Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

Tom Booker has received a series of thoughtful text messages advising him variously that his parcel has left the depot, will be delivered in 0.3 hours and his driver Frank is a Gemini.

Booker said: “What happened to the old way, when you waited for nine days not knowing where your parcel was, then got a card through the door saying it was languishing in a returns depot on the outskirts of Derby?

“Now you receive endless texts detailing every step of your parcel’s journey, from the moment it’s picked from the shelf in the warehouse to the point where the driver stops for a piss in a lay-by and a sandwich. Frank had cheese and pickle, apparently.

“I felt like I’d developed an intimate relationship with Frank and worried about whether I should greet him formally when he arrived or hug him like an old friend.

“Sadly I didn’t see him when he got here because I was on the phone. And now I miss his constant attentive updates and feel bereft.

“All this for five pairs of socks. I’ll get them from Tesco next time. It’ll be less emotionally draining.”


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Six actual, real, genuine upsides to Brexit

THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit: 

No Brexit shit’s happening

Remember the second half of 2019? Johnson setting ‘dead in a ditch’ Brexit dates and missing them, bullshit warnings on motorway signs, proroguing Parliament and fury at the speaker? All that’s done with and thank God, because it achieved precisely f**k all.

We can all agree it’s crap

Only the most ardent political Brexiters are still bothering to mouth falsehoods about its benefits. Everyone else, even its supporters, are now happy to admit there are no positives, it’s going to be dog-rough and we’re all in it together.

Bye-bye Nigel

The stained-teak face of Nigel Farage, shoved in our faces for 15 bloody years like he was a fugitive daytime gameshow host gone rogue across the news, is gone. He still tries but, pleasingly, he’s made himself irrelevant and nobody gives a toss.

Second-home owners are furious

Ponce off to your villa in Tuscany every summer? Keep a houseboat in Amsterdam? Regularly fly to Venice for lunchtime Bellinis in Harry’s Bar? This has f**ked you right up and that’s funny for the rest of us. Enjoy your immigration queue, dicks.

Vaccines worked out okay

It’s very much ‘even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while’ but not being in the EU queue for vaccines was actually to our benefit. We still have the highest death toll in Europe despite being an island, but little victories.

Remainers have gone

Remember that four-year political identity we all suddenly embraced after years of not giving a bugger? ‘All the opportunities our children will miss out on’ we preached while inwardly thinking ‘Man, customs will be a faff’ and ‘Hey, I wasn’t expecting to lose that referendum so it doesn’t count’.