Dog and bone - smartphone: A guide to gentrified Cockney rhyming slang

MOST genuine Eastenders have been displaced by coffee outlets and tech startups. So how has Cockney rhyming slang changed?

Dog and Bone

Original: Telephone Gentrified: Smartphone

East London is teeming with twats clutching the latest trendy smartphone. Landlines are – as a displaced Cockney might say – brown bread.

Duke of Kent

Original: Rent Gentrified: Buy-to-let rent

Maximising your income streams through renting out the second home your parents bought for you is crucial for any self-respecting London dweller.

Jam jar

Original: Car Gentrified: Hybrid electric car

Seeing as you pay around £20,000 per annum for on-street parking, you may as well flaunt your financial and moral superiority with an electric car.

Clever Mike

Original: Bike Gentrified: Brompton Bike

All bicycles should cost north of £1,000, be ‘easily collapsible’ but always give you a nasty pinch, and make you look like a prick when cycling.

Gates of Rome

Original: Home Gentrified: Sicilian holiday home

It’s only a small villa, but it offers such a reliable Plan B when you can’t be bothered to fly out to the Caribbean for your holidays.

Rattle and clank

Original: Bank Gentrified: Blue chip investment bank

You’re going to need somewhere to put all your money once the ethical vegan meal delivery service you started in a Hoxton basement gets floated on the stock market for several million pounds and you become a massive sell-out.

Strange and weird

Original: Beard Gentrified: Obligatory f**king beard

If you are male and live in East London, it’s the law to have a beard. Even though it feels like male facial hair fashion should have moved on by now, it seems that beards are here to stay.

Forsyte Saga

Original: Lager Gentrified: Aga

If you were going to have a drink it would be microbrewery craft ale, but actually what you most aspire to for enjoyment now you’ve made some cash is a move to the country and a ridiculously expensive oven.

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How to be a five-star wanker at a drive-thru

IT’S busy and there’s a queue of cars full of hungry people behind you. How can you cause them the maximum annoyance?

Crank up the music

Your music is so good that everyone should hear it, including the people behind you and the person patiently trying to take your order for the seventh time. If they could punch you in the face without getting the sack, they definitely would.

Have an argument with your partner

The other people in the queue will enjoy watching you have a barney over what to order and making tits of yourselves for a few minutes. However, the longer your petulant bickering goes on, the more likely they are to smash your windows in with a jack handle, so just agree on the party bucket and get on with it.

Play a prank on the drive-thru staff

The people behind the counter definitely haven’t had any tedious pranks played on them before, so why not do something hilarious like attempting to hide in the footwell whilst still driving? You’ll crash into the car in front and get a ticket, but at least you’ll have a funny story to tell your equally prickish mates.

Drive like a twat

Being unable to properly operate your car will annoy the absolute crap out of other customers. Make sure you overshoot the ordering station and then reverse into the car behind, before stopping too far away from the collection window so you have to get out of the car to pick up your food, thus rendering the drive-thru pointless.

Pay in cash from under the seat

Using contactless is far too quick and convenient. Scramble around every corner of your vehicle looking for loose change, not forgetting to look under the seats and pull everything out of the glove compartment. Then spend five minutes counting it up before realising you’re 32p short and using your card.