Man treats himself to warm can of pre-mixed G&T on bus

A MAN has decided that he has earned the little treat of a warm pre-mixed can of gin and tonic on the bus home. 

After a tough day slaving away in the Next men’s clothing section Nathan Muir has rewarded himself with a mild alcoholic buzz on the 219 home, because why not?

He said: “I popped into the Co-op on the way home, spied it and thought, let’s live a little. And I’ve got myself a Spicy & Fragrant Chicken Panang as well. It’s Saturday night, bitches.

“I don’t mind saying I feel pretty elite up here getting my drink on, unlike all these wage slaves. I pity them as I sip this refreshing tepid G&T until we go over a bump and it spills on my shirt.

“For them it’s commuting. For me it’s a party bus, like a magic carpet taking me direct to my door. Well, apart from 20 minutes uphill. Anyway I wouldn’t be able to do this if I had a car.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 19, said: “Some dirty old tramp was drinking on the bus. I think that’s sad. I’ve made it into a meme.”

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A lady never tells her age, says 25-year-old

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

Grace Wood-Morris, who was asked how old she is when registering with her local doctor, coyly responded that she would never reveal her true age, despite obviously being in her early 20s.

Wood-Morris said: “I think it’s important that ladies maintain an air of mystery about themselves, especially if, like me, you don’t have much else going on in terms of personality.

“If I tell someone how old I am, they’ll be able to work out when I’m turning 30, or, God forbid, 40. And I never want anyone to know that I’ve got that old and decrepit. Can you imagine the shame?

“A woman who tells her age tells everything, and I want to remain an enigma. Apart from when I’m posting every single detail of my life on Instagram for everyone to see.”

The doctor’s receptionist said: “If you think you’re old, wait until you get to my age, love. Then you might have grown up enough to stop being such an annoying little bellend.”