The five most terrifying things that happen in the first year of having a baby

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

The birth

Best to start at the beginning. And it doesn’t get more terrifying than this. More bloody, visceral and dramatic than you can ever prepare yourself for. It turns out watching Call The Midwife wasn’t ‘sufficient research’. Oh and now you have a human to look after for the rest of your life. Bonus.

Driving home

Easily the most cautious journey of your life. The whole thing feels like you’re Lewis Hamilton flying through a chicane at the Hungarian Grand Prix. The reality is you’re going at eight miles per hour. And just got overtaken by a pedestrian.

The first night

That first night flying solo is an understandably tense experience. One which involves ‘sitting wide awake checking they’re still breathing’ and ‘more sitting there checking they’re still breathing’. But don’t fret, that feeling will go away after about 18 years. 

Eating anything solid

You can’t breastfeed them forever. Or at least that’s what society says. At some stage they’ll move onto solid food. This is when baby’s suicidal tendencies really come to the fore. They’ll get so enthused with eating, they’ll try and choke on everything. Try to stop them eating spoons.

The first accident

This can come in many forms, all equally horrendous. A fall, a bump on the head or baby sliding off the sofa because Daddy got too engrossed in the Champions League final. Actually babies are hard as nails so your worrying was totally pointless.

Handing them to your stupidest mate

You have to let other people hold your child. Parents and siblings are a given. But the most stressful moment is when the baby gets passed to ‘that mate’ – the clumsy bastard who crashed his car into a tree while looking for some sweets. And there’s nothing you can do but look on and grimace.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

The One Show: The worst TV programmes to try to initiate sex during

HAVING sex is usually better than watching the telly. However certain programmes are not conducive to putting the moves on your partner…

The news

Some newsreaders are extremely hot, but quite a few might dampen your ardour, such as stern-faced Huw Edwards. A bigger risk is snogging with Michael Gove looking on from the TV, or engaging in heavy petting in front of the snooker highlights, which is just weird, like having sex in front of your parents or your cat.

Masterchef 

Food is a natural aphrodisiac. But not when Gregg Wallace and John Torode are involved. They shout so much, you might at well be having a foursome and the overall atmosphere of the high-stress cookery competition will probably cause erectile dysfunction anyway.

One Born Every Minute 

Self-explanatory, really. If you can seduce someone during this gruesome maternity unit documentary you’re clearly one smooth muthaf**ker. By far the hardest Channel 4 show to get laid to, apart from Naked Attraction, which just tends to put you off sex forever.

Game of Thrones

Or anything with a complex plot. Yes, a spot of bumping uglies might seem like a fun distraction from following roughly 600 characters. But it does kill the romance if you stop mid-coitus to say ‘I thought he was dead’ or look up an actor on IMDb because you swear he used to be in Casualty.

The One Show

Boring, repetitive, vanilla – the perfect reason to do something more interesting like sex. But its tone shifts are legendary. You might start with light petting during a piece about llama farming but by the time you reach third base Jermaine Jenas is presenting an item about the Normandy landings.

Love Island

Too many toned, generically attractive bastards. While they’re disturbingly thick, compared to the sexpots on the telly, you and your partner doing it would look like two pot bellied pigs rutting in a muddy field. Best start working on the six-pack.