HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.
The birth
Best to start at the beginning. And it doesn’t get more terrifying than this. More bloody, visceral and dramatic than you can ever prepare yourself for. It turns out watching Call The Midwife wasn’t ‘sufficient research’. Oh and now you have a human to look after for the rest of your life. Bonus.
Driving home
Easily the most cautious journey of your life. The whole thing feels like you’re Lewis Hamilton flying through a chicane at the Hungarian Grand Prix. The reality is you’re going at eight miles per hour. And just got overtaken by a pedestrian.
The first night
That first night flying solo is an understandably tense experience. One which involves ‘sitting wide awake checking they’re still breathing’ and ‘more sitting there checking they’re still breathing’. But don’t fret, that feeling will go away after about 18 years.
Eating anything solid
You can’t breastfeed them forever. Or at least that’s what society says. At some stage they’ll move onto solid food. This is when baby’s suicidal tendencies really come to the fore. They’ll get so enthused with eating, they’ll try and choke on everything. Try to stop them eating spoons.
The first accident
This can come in many forms, all equally horrendous. A fall, a bump on the head or baby sliding off the sofa because Daddy got too engrossed in the Champions League final. Actually babies are hard as nails so your worrying was totally pointless.
Handing them to your stupidest mate
You have to let other people hold your child. Parents and siblings are a given. But the most stressful moment is when the baby gets passed to ‘that mate’ – the clumsy bastard who crashed his car into a tree while looking for some sweets. And there’s nothing you can do but look on and grimace.
