Johnsons and Bidens enjoy lovely evening of wife-swapping

BRITAIN’S prime minister and America’s president have cemented the special relationship between their countries with an evening of wife-swapping. 

The Bidens and the Johnsons walked down a Cornish beach together before enjoying a meal at a gastropub then retiring to the presidential suite for traditional swinging sex. 

A White House insider said: “The custom began in 1961, when President Kennedy visited England fully expecting to shag the Queen. 

“When she demurred Harold Macmillan offered up his wife Lady Dorothy instead, and a delighted JFK happily reciprocated by lending him Jackie. By all accounts it was a marvellous night. 

“It’s continued ever since – Wilson and Nixon, Thatcher and Reagan, Blair and Bush. Last night was no exception. Boris loves a bit of strange and Carrie climaxed for the first time since 2019. So a resounding success.” 

President Biden said: “Our relationship reached new heights of specialness and intimacy last night, when I high-fived Boris as we hit the final strokes together. 

“But I’m not going to go easy on Ireland because still, in my heart, I knew he’d rather be doing this with the Trumps.”

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How to make football fairer for everyone, by a Guardian reader

FOOTBALL is a wonderful game, but is it too competitive? Here concerned Guardian reader Nathan Muir explains how he would make it a fairer and more liberal sport.

Every player should have their own football

Football at school was a nightmare for me, due to being shit at it and always in goal. I’d make the game more accessible to a range of skill-levels by each player having their own football, with no tackling allowed.

Remove the pointless rivalry

Supporting ‘your’ team is a form of xenophobia. Football fans should support different teams to widen their perspective. So, for example, Millwall fans could support their team one week, then Chelsea the next. They could go to matches on a train together and have a latte to increase mutual understanding.

Improved grammar in football punditry

It’s irresponsible for football pundits to pass on poor grammar. I don’t want my children to start using phrases like ‘The lads done magic’. I’d suggest remedial English lessons for all pundits, or just replace them with popular intellectuals like Will Self, Noam Chomsky or Bonnie Greer.

Replace penalties with coursework like GCSEs

As with exams, not everyone performs well in a high-pressure environment. Players shouldn’t be forced to take penalties, and instead be judged on their overall footballing career, written skills and post-match verbal interviews, all assessed by a teacher two years later.

More diversity 

Football is dominated by physically fit young men. The Premier League should draw on the life experience of the over-50s and people from other walks of life, such as WeightWatchers. And me, because I’m still smarting from letting in eight goals and being called a ‘gaylord’ when I was 11.