Five essential summer care tips for your goth

A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.


Preparation is needed to keep your goth melancholic throughout pleasant sunny weather. Invest in heavy-duty blackout curtains and punch small breathing holes in its top hat. Swap its winter cape for one with a lower tog rating, or your goth will wilt.


Keep your goth indoors at all times, but if you have to go to the beach, go to Whitby where your goth will not feel out of place amongst the other goths who are there for some obscure Dracula-related reason. Do not let them sink into wet sand due to their heavy boots.


All goths need regular hydration with absinthe, goat’s blood or Guinness. Water is acceptable for vegan goths, but be careful of ‘fun’ sources of water, such as splashing them from a paddling pool. Rain is fine, because it’s bleak and depressing.


Goths feed by absorbing nutrients from make-up. Keeping your goth away from direct sunlight will prevent the sweating-away of food. Some goths will eat actual food, but make it more appealing by putting black food dye on their bacon and eggs.


If your goth is beginning to shed its pale face and experiment with smiling, exchange its coffin for a chest freezer and play Cradle Of Filth on repeat. This will allow it to hibernate until the autumn equinox in time to redo its make-up for Halloween.

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St George's flag reclaimed from far right by ordinary English bellends

THE English flag, long considered the preserve of far-right nationalists like the English Defence League, has been re-appropriated by ordinary idiots.

Euro 2020 has appealed to England supporters who are not neo-Nazis, have black friends and a good-natured outlook, but are still knobs.

Tom Logan of the England Supporters’ Club said: “People have a stereotypical view of England fans as Sieg-Heiling skinheads chanting ‘No surrender to the IRA’ and smashing up town square cafes. 

“I’m none of those things. I’m simply someone who supports England, passionately wants them to do well and happens to be pretty annoying and boring about football. 

“Or should I say ‘ENGERLAAAND!’ Right, time for my eighth pint.”

Sports writer Tom Booker said: “There’s a peaceable segment of England fans who aren’t hostile to foreigners and just get incredibly drunk whilst abroad, put their arms around locals and shout, ‘Oi, here’s my my new mate, Pedro!’

“To stereotype England fans is grossly unfair. To foreigners I would say – the only real risk they pose is boring you senseless with their unwanted attempts at mateyness and attempts to find a chip shop at 5am.”