McDonald’s launches doomed non-burger

McDONALD’S  has unveiled its latest food item that will fail because it is not a burger.

The company is pushing ahead with its Spicy Chicken McTortilla despite knowing that any attempt to broaden its customers’ culinary horizons will prove futile.

A spokesman said: “The McTortilla brings a taste of Mexico to McDonald’s, where it will be completely ignored because it isn’t a beefburger in a doughy bun with fries and a pint of glutinous milkshake.

“It uses 100% chicken breast and fresh vegetables but if you wanted proper food you wouldn’t be eating here.”

He added: “We add new items to the menu to maintain customer interest, but after the salads debacle we’re thinking it might be easier to install a long trough of warm beef so you can just stick your face right in it.”

Burger fan Tom Logan said: “I don’t care for new things, so McDonald’s serving food that isn’t burgers is like the monkey brains banquet in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”

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Newcastle United uses up five months’ worth of goals

STEVE McClaren has admitted Newcastle United has scored its last goal until March.

After putting six past a Norwich side later declared clinically dead by team medics, the club’s manager apologised for not spacing them out a bit more.

McClaren said: “I was shouting ‘slow down, you mad bastards’ but they were all giddy

“At least we haven’t got the world’s most unrealistically optimistic fans expecting six more next weekend…

“Jesus wept.”

Newcastle’s next fixture, the North East derby against Sunderland, could even see them become the first side to score a negative number of goals, such is the expected backlash from Sunday’s rout.

McClaren said: “And I’d been working so very hard on my Geordie accent. What a terrible shame.”