‘Mild torture’ aids worker productivity

GETTING workers to stand up until their legs hurt can help them to know their place, according to bosses.

The removal of chairs from the workplace is ostensibly a health measure, but is actually a means of ‘mentally breaking’ staff.

Managing direction Tom Booker said: “We like to claim there are health risks of sitting down all day, but of course this is bollocks.

“It’s about reinforcing the master-slave dynamic and helping to completely negate their identity, thus making them totally subservient.”

Booker’s firm also recently introduced dangling employees from windows by their ankles, supposedly to aid circulation.

Data analyst Emma Bradford said: “I know that standing all day is really good for me, but perhaps I should be allowed to leave my designated spot to go to the toilet.

“And having water forcibly poured in my mouth when I’m not even thirsty feels a bit cruel. Still, what do I know? I’m nothing.”

Booker said: “I wouldn’t whip them or anything. I’m not a monster and besides relatives ask questions if you break the skin.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not cheer yourself up this weekend by buying jeans 24 sizes too big, standing sideways and taking photos of you looking happy?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll write a sequel to your hit book 
by using Ctrl+f to find and replace the words ‘my’ with ‘her’ and ‘his’ with ‘my’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger’s face and rather than laugh, she’ll go fucking spare. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A big day for your recycling company today as you get a call from a Swiss football organisation with three tons of shredded paper they need shifting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not rekindle some of the romance in your relationship by not responding to every question with “What the fuck are you asking now?”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The problem with tall summer drinks like Pimms or mojitos is trying to smuggle enough of them into work to get you through the day.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your quest for a new type of fusion cuisine sees you having stir-fry roast dinner on Sunday.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your aura shifts from a vibrant aquamarine to a tepid brown today, marking the point your underwear really needs changing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After considering padding out your CV by taking evening classes or doing voluntary work, this week you decide to increase the font size a couple of points instead.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The traditional gift for a sixth wedding anniversary is iron but when you buy one for her apparently it’s a month of sleeping on the sofa.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While spontaneous combustion may be an actual thing, it’s unlikely the police are going to buy it for the sixth time in a month.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Was * this * your card?