HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.
After it was discovered that London hedgehogs had learned to avoid busy roads, it now appears they have acquired skills such as jumping queues and shamelessly hassling people to get their own way.
Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “Last night I was feeding the hedgehog that visits my back garden when it said ‘Call that a saucer of fucking milk?’
“I was taken aback but I got a bigger bowl of milk. Then it scrounged a cigarette off me.
“It came back this morning with some crappy garage flowers and tried to chat me up.”
Cyclist Tom Logan said: “Yesterday a 4×4 cut me up really badly, but when I remonstrated with the driver it turned out to be a group of hard-faced female hedgehogs operating the steering wheel and pedals.
“They tried to deflect criticism of their driving by claiming they had to take some baby hedgehogs to the doctor, then asked me if I could lend them some grubs and worms.”
Hedgehog Roy Hobbs said: “You’ve got to look out for number one in this world, which is why I left my best friend to get eaten by a cat, then shagged his girlfriend.”