London hedgehogs survive by being bastards

HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.

After it was discovered that London hedgehogs had learned to avoid busy roads, it now appears they have acquired skills such as jumping queues and shamelessly hassling people to get their own way.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “Last night I was feeding the hedgehog that visits my back garden when it said ‘Call that a saucer of fucking milk?’

“I was taken aback but I got a bigger bowl of milk. Then it scrounged a cigarette off me.

“It came back this morning with some crappy garage flowers and tried to chat me up.”

Cyclist Tom Logan said: “Yesterday a 4×4 cut me up really badly, but when I remonstrated with the driver it turned out to be a group of hard-faced female hedgehogs operating the steering wheel and pedals.

“They tried to deflect criticism of their driving by claiming they had to take some baby hedgehogs to the doctor, then asked me if I could lend them some grubs and worms.”

Hedgehog Roy Hobbs said: “You’ve got to look out for number one in this world, which is why I left my best friend to get eaten by a cat, then shagged his girlfriend.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hot baths solve nothing

A LONG, relaxing hot bath will do nothing whatsoever about any of your problems, Britain has been told.

Researchers have found that whether you are struggling with stress at work, debt or a failing marriage, it will still be there after lying in some water.

Psychiatrist Dr Helen Archer said: “In the old days, a hot bath could at least get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. Nowadays all it does it confirm what a great idea showers are.

“They don’t even solve the problem of poor hygiene, because after two hours steeping in your own boiled filth it hardens on like resin and has to be cracked off with a toffee hammer.”

Researchers have also advised that there is no point in adding bubble bath, bath bombs or any other brightly coloured chemicals unless you want to re-enact the origin of the Joker.

Susan Traherne of Northampton said: “Whenever I have worries, I go for a lovely hot bath.

“I soak for an hour with a Martina Cole, and when I’ve finished all my troubles just spiral away down the drain.

“And when I say worries and troubles, I mean pubic hair.”