I am your father, Blatter tells football

SEPP Blatter revealed that he was football’s father moments before sacrificing himself to destroy the FIFA death star.

The Pan-Galactic FIFA president sustained laser wounds as he fought armoured troops to reach the self-destruct button of the organisation’s space HQ, gurgling out his final confession seconds before it was engulfed in a massive nuclear explosion.

While football fans across the universe initially greeted the tyrant’s demise with joy, they were left with mixed feelings on discovering that Blatter’s beloved princess bride had died soon after giving birth to a football.

FIFA presidential rival Prince Ali bin Hussein said: “Beneath the utterly terrifying exterior and generally evil behaviour he was just human and loved football more than anyone.

“It explains why there were all those pictures of Blatter with footballs, and why he never had the heart to totally destroy it.”

But as cleaners attempted to remove the old man smell from Blatter’s Earth palace, they stumbled across a handwritten rule book for a new sport named blatterball, suggesting that the universe may not have seen the last of Blatter.

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Jesus back as a fish

JESUS has returned as a sawfish, spreading his gospel and digging out crustaceans.

Scientists were amazed to discover sawfish can reproduce non-sexually and using only the Holy Spirit, and admitted that they thought Jesus would have come back as a person or at least a butterfly.

Jesus the carpenter shark, born to an untouched mother, travels the Florida estuaries with his 12 followers teaching them to kill stuff with the big saw on their faces.

Disciple Roy Hobbs, also a sawfish, said: “Before I met him I was a humble fisherman, much as I am today but about five miles west.

“But he showed me the light and the way to dig mussels out of the sand using my saw snout then kill them, again using the saw snout.

“He did try a couple of parables that weren’t about having a big saw on your face, but he lost the audience so it’s back to what you know.”

The sawfish messiah is persecuted by people who want to kill him, and then nail him up over their fireplace alongside a wooden replica of his human predecessor.