Mobile phone companies step up mission to make world a better place

MOBILE phone operators have confirmed they will need more money to achieve their sole aim of bringing the whole world together.

Unlike many giant corporations which exist purely to fuck as much money out of you as possible, the ‘big four’ mobile companies re-dedicated themselves to making everything really groovy and making sure everyone appreciates how totally brilliant and special all their friends are.

A spokesman for the British Association of Making Great Memories said: “The world is one big, lovely playground, set to Devendra Banhardt songs about magical spiders.

“People keep saying to us, ‘hey, you guys are way too chilled out, don’t you even care about making money?’

“But we’re too busy listening to Joanna Newsom in quirky places, while watching children blow bubbles and enjoying spontaneous group hugs with strangers, to worry about materialistic gain.

“Maybe that’s irresponsible, but hey, you can’t put a price on happiness.


“We are hoping to give everyone in the world a lovely cupcake and a balloon, but unfortunately the price of cheerfully coloured cupcake icing has gone up.

“So we are going to increase prices substantially and you are going to pay. Unless you don’t want to high five your friends when you meet up in the park for a game of frisbee that you wish would last forever?

“Just be nice.”

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Strike could leave airports exactly the same

TOMORROW’S public sector strike could leave UK airports exactly the same in every conceivable way, it was warned last night.

The Public and Commercial Services Union said a mass walk out by Border Agency staff would mean unbelievably long queues, suicidal levels of frustration and the sense that whoever is in charge is a colossal fucking moron, or possibly Satan.

Roy Hobbs, PCS shop steward at Gatwick, said: “You see this queue that stretches the full length of the terminal, full of smelly, desperate people with terrifying thousand-yard stares? It’ll be very similar to that.

“If only the government would abandon its ideological crusade and allow me and my friends to help ourselves to other people’s money, then travellers would not have to not notice any difference whatsoever.

“But as things stand, thousands of people are going to turn up here tomorrow expecting it to be somehow – somehow – even worse than it is day after day after day and they are going to be sorely disappointed. I hope Mr Cameron can live with that.”

Meanwhile Unison has warned that a strike by its members would leave taxpayers being completely ignored by truculent council workers, while the National Union of Teachers stressed their walk-out would lead to millions of children not learning how to read and write properly in the 21st Century.

A Unison spokesman said: “Unless the government hands over your pin number – and does so with a smile on its face – then we will keep making things exactly the same as they are, down to the finest detail, for a very, very long time.”

Traveller Tom Logan, who was obviously going to turn up at Gatwick 42 hours early anyway because he has been there before, mumbled into his £3.75 cup of brown: “Fucking pensions… won’t need a fucking pension when they’re all locked up in my dungeon of unbearable fucking pain.

“Electrodes… starving rats… oh look, here come the hot pins…”

“How you liking me now, Mr Pension?”