New Bank Pledges To Openly Despise Its Customers

BRITAIN’S newest high street bank has promised not to pretend to be your friend.

If they could, they would make you into sausages

FuckYouScum has promised ‘an honest approach to bank-vermin relations’, offering accounts with names like Dog, Pleb and Scum Plus, as well as an offset mortgage called Your Stupid Bovine Greed Will Destroy You.

A spokesman said: “Our contempt towards customers is openly expressed. It saves us money on colourful leaflets with pictures of cartoon families driving charabancs and avuncular staff who ask you where you’re going on your shitty fucking holiday.

“We then use this money to buy beautiful things for our favourite whores.”

He added: “If you ring us and we decide to answer the phone, we won’t then send you numerous text messages asking for your ‘feedback’. We couldn’t give a dead hyena’s rotting scrotum what you ‘fink’, you illiterate sack of shit.

“Our only promise to you is that we will have a fantastic time with the unfathomable amounts of money we shall make from your pointless, constantly overdrawn, hand-to-mouth so-called life.

“We will have massive boats, elegant cars, and helicopters stuffed with delicious truffles and the kind of heartbreakingly beautiful Russian prostitutes who would have been married to handsome fairytale princes in a world less wretchedly evil than the one we have deliberately created.

“And if you try to steal our pens, we’ll shoot you right in the fucking heart.”

Teacher, Roy Hobbs, said: “What a breath of fresh air. My current bank manager acts like my friend, but I don’t think he is. I think he wants to open up my chest with a bowie knife, rip out my lungs and eat them in front of me while his staff sit around pretending to run a radio station.

“Plus, they never have any pens.”