Goodfellas Play School

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito

A house
With a door
One, two, three, four
Ready to play
What’s the day?
It’s Tuesday you dumb fuck

Tommy D: Hello to all you little kiddy-winks from myself and Jimmy here. You know, we was kinda talkin’ the other day about how to take care a that Big Ted thing and we kinda came to an understandin’. Now you may know that Jimmy here don’t like Big Ted – he’s been throwin’ his weight around lately and showin’ disrespect to Hamble and the other dolls.

Jimmy: At this point I would also like to say that Big Ted is a fuckin’ degenerate gambler who owes me seven big ones – I gotta tell you, if he don’t pay up within the next day he’s going straight through the fuckin’ arched window – head first. I want my money TODAY! TODAY!

Tommy: Not all the dolls are bad though Jimmy – I like Humpty, he’s a stand-up guy.

Jimmy: Fuckin’ marine.

Tommy D: Okay, kids let’s say we go over to the Play School clock and see what the fuckin’ time is. Okay, the little hand is on the two and the big hand is on the twelve.

Jimmy: And my hand is on your sister’s ass.

Nice fuckin’ joke.

Jimmy: I know, it just came to me – I’m real smart that way.

Tommy: Enough of that shit, I think it’s time for today’s story. Jimmy.

Jimmy: Once upon a time, two very naughty men thought it might be a good idea to start shaking down the regulars on my rounds. Long story short, Tommy and myself went down there with a few friends of ours and made sure the bad men were never naughty again.

Tommy: Ok, we was gonna go through the round window to see one of them dumb educational films about a fuckin’ milk bottle factory or whatever the fuck it is you kids are into. But the truth be told, Jimmy got a little bit upset when they showed a factory making licence plates for cars – you see it kinda took him back to the time he went away on that special five-and-a-half-year vacation with Uncle Paulie.

Jimmy: Not good, not good.

Tommy: Anyways, that’s all we got time for today – don’t forget to tune in tomorrow when that dipshit Brian Cant will be presentin’ the show with Toni Arthur, who I’ve been trying to bang for three fuckin’ months now.


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Murray Fires Racket

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

The world number four fired his long-standing racket amid speculation that he is ridding himself of all tennis-related objects and will contest the US Open buck naked.

Tennisologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “Andy has always had a difficult relationship with every other particle of matter in the universe.

“Coaches have previously been able to harness this misomania by getting him to visualise the ball as being everything in the world that isn’t him, resulting in a thunderous serve of pure existential disgust.

“Although this did cause further problems as he’d often chase the ball across the court after having served it, screaming insults about its mother.”

Tennis officials will meet next week to decide whether Murray’s plan to petulantly glare the ball over the net instead of using a racket is within the rules of the sport.

But Hayes added: “I suspect Andy will cite the third round match in the 1982 Australian Open when John McEnroe forced an opponent to retire just by being a unbearable prick.”

Murray said: “It’s time for me to move on from just hitting a ball as a form of punishment for it not being me. I need to start loathing the entire concept of tennis into submission.

“Although I don’t want to win any of those irritatingly shiny bastard fucking trophy bastard things as a result, unless they remould them into the shape of my face.”