New employee begins yet another conversation designed to find out who smokes weed

A NEW employee at a design agency has begun yet another conversation aimed at discovering which of his colleagues smokes cannabis. 

Martin Bishop, aged 24, has so far discussed the music of Snoop Dogg, the film Pineapple Express and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comic in an attempt to ascertain if there are any other stoners in the office.

Undeterred by the lack of reaction so far, Bishop said: “You know what’s a great citybreak? Amsterdam.

“Anyone been? It’s great with the canals, and the Van Gogh Museum’s incredible. Those paintings are really trippy, if you know what I mean. Like if you’re in the right state of mind.”

Bishop’s conversational gambit was then subverted by company secretary Mary Fisher’s reminiscences about the Anne Frank House before he could bring up coffeeshops.

Director Joseph Turner said: “Jesus, it’s Big Lebowski one minute and Hunter S Thompson the next. We get it, you smoke, shut up about it, you’re at work.

“Anyone want to hit this with me? We’ll have to go under the bridge, away from the office. I’m not giving that kid any.”

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Godmother neither godly nor motherly

A WOMAN who is neither spiritual nor maternal is as surprised as everyone to be made a godmother to a baby girl.

Nikki Hollis, 34, was asked to be baby Ava’s spiritual guardian, despite her reputation for ‘getting her tits out’ at parties and ‘hating kids’.

Hollis said: “I’m happy to be tagged in the christening photos on Facebook provided I look thin in them, but I hope no one’s expecting much from me.

“I don’t know what wisdom I have to impart to a child, other than which food combinations nip a hangover in the bud, or which Treatwell offers are actually worth paying for.

“But to be fair that knowledge did come from years of binge drinking and bad bikini waxes so maybe I’m underestimating the value of my life experiences.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “The closest Nikki has ever come to being spiritual was buying that book The Secret that teaches you a load of bollocks about ‘attracting’ money into your life by thinking positively.

“Plus sometimes she posts inspiring quotes on Instagram about living for the moment, followed by a load of cocktail emojis.”