Nobody in meeting has f**king clue what it's about

WORKERS are bullshitting their way through an apparently important meeting despite having no idea what it is about.

The meeting has so far included mention of ‘synergistic client development’ and ‘leveraging core competencies’, while going on for over 90 minutes with nobody understanding why they are there or what is happening.

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “My line manager assured me that it was crucial I attended, but I haven’t got a fucking clue what is going on. Now I’m in too deep to ask.

“However, it seems no one else knows either and they have just been chipping in with some jargon now and then so that they look clever.

She added: “Martin even used the phrase ‘cascading relevant information’ and we all laughed before we remembered we were meant to be taking it seriously.”


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Parents helping children get on property twat ladder

A COUPLE are helping their children become annoying property-obsessed twats just like themselves, they have revealed.

Solicitor Martin Bishop and his wife Maggie have helped their offspring with deposits in the hope that they will eventually become insufferable property bores too.

Bishop said: “Currently they’re just being mildly tedious about ‘the stress of the moving process’, but soon they should be droning on for hours about loft conversions and buying at the right time.

“Our daughter Lucy is very promising. She’s already quoting the values of other properties near her starter home and endlessly claiming it’s in an up-and-coming area.

“Her brother Dan’s bought a two-bedroom flat and keeps going on about doing up the bathroom to increase the value of the property as if that’s an acceptable topic of conversation. He’s utterly obsessed with money and never does anything fun, we are so proud of him.

“If they keep going up the property twat ladder eventually they’ll own expensive detached houses where they can discuss really mind-numbing stuff like installing underfloor heating.”

Daughter Lucy said: “It’s brilliant that mum and dad have helped us out. I hope they die soon so I can get a house with a massive breakfast bar.”