You can help by keeping your mouth shut, Trump told

BRITAIN has responded to Donald Trump’s offer of help by suggesting he stops saying words with his mouth.

The US president extended help to the UK in the wake of the London attacks, while also sending a barrage of tweets criticising its leaders and using the incident to justify his own moronic policies.

Londoner Susan Traherne said: “America has always been our friend in challenging times and now it really can help by getting its president to stop making sounds come out of his head, and ideally to also stop his tiny agile little fingers scampering across his keyboard.

“Our message to Donald Trump is simple. You are a knob.

“Stop being a knob.”

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Awful thing caused by people who did it

THE people to blame for the weekend’s awful events are the people who did it, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s totally understandable that people feel angry and confused.

“But when the Daily Mail mentions taking action against hate peddlers, you don’t have to be a genius to see they are on pretty thin ice. Don’t let arseholes give other arseholes an opportunity to be arseholes.

“A lot of journalists are acting hard, wondering who to blame and being as nearly-racist as they can be without being properly racist.

“Normally though with a crime you should blame the people who did it. Because they did it.”

Those calling for the immediate detention of anyone who looks a bit suspicious have been advised to research ‘aims of terrorism’, even if that just means going on wikipedia.

34-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “We can’t just stand by, we have to defend British values by locking ‘them’ up, whoever ‘they’ may be.

“I personally am going to help do that, in my capacity as someone who works in an office selling double glazing.”