'I can't possibly pay more tax', says man with Range Rover and Koi carp pond

A MAN with a large 4×4 and a Koi carp pond in his garden has insisted that paying a penny more in tax will cripple him.

Standing angrily outside his five bedroom house in Surrey, Martin Bishop said: “Do you have any idea how much Koi carp food costs?

“These fish are the thoroughbreds of the decorative fish world.

“And when I get in my Range Rover and drive to my house in the Dordogne, I have to pay someone to feed the fish. I’d take the fish with me, but then I might get water in my Range Rover.”

Bishop’s gardener, Tom Booker, said: “He gave me a £1 tip at Christmas and keeps doing ‘funny’ impressions of my working class accent.

“I regularly piss in his swimming pool.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Grown man still telling people what he wants to do when he grows up

A 37-YEAR-OLD man with a mortgage and a child on the way is still telling people what he wants to do when he grows up.

IT channel solutions manager Tom Logan has been telling friends about his plans for when he is an adult for the last fifteen years, which involve going round the world, going back to university and actually working this time, and meeting a great girl to settle down with.

He also hopes to become a fighter pilot before joining the space programme.

Speaking between client presentations and ordering paint for the nursery he is putting together at home, Tom added that maybe he will go to South America and drop out on a beach somewhere for a few years to find himself.

He added: “I’ve just got to get this phase out of the way first and then real adult life can begin.

“I’ll go to bed when I like and grow my hair out, maybe get a tattoo sleeve.”

Logan’s wife Jane said: “If he doesn’t get that fucking spare room painted over the weekend he will get a grown up bollocking.”