Nobody knows what ‘digital’ supposed to mean

MEDIA workers talking about ‘digital’ do not have the slightest clue what it is, according to new research.

Researchers found that although ‘digital’ is widely accepted to be the future, nobody knows what the word means or whether it is just bullshit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I had a digital watch when I was 11. Is that somehow the shape of things to come?

“Nobody could explain to us what ‘digital’ means. It’s almost as if people who work in the media talk a load of bollocks.”

Internet trend analyst Nikki Hollis said: “Going forward it’s all about digital. If you’ve got a company I’d definitely advise you to start doing digital things in a digital way, and just generally being digital.

“I cannot stress enough that digital is here to stay, although I can’t be any more specific about that.

“Next week I’m doing a talk  at ‘Digitalcon ’16: Let’s Get Digital’, they’re paying me three grand.”

Company director Tom Booker has just launched a ‘digital strategy’ that he doesn’t understand. He said: “I just shouted at everyone and said ‘we need more fucking digital’.

“Then I went back in my office and looked up ‘digital’ on the internet. No joy.”

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Book about intelligence only bought by stupid people

A POP psychology book claiming to explain intelligence has not been bought by anyone intelligent, it has emerged.

Psychologist Stephen Malley’s book Smart Ways to Think has been ignored by actual clever people but is selling well to idiots who want to somehow become clever without making any effort.

Student Wayne Hayes said: “Smart Ways to Think is excellent because it explains there’s no objective measure of intelligence. So if I fail my A-levels I’m still intelligent, just in ways no one knows about.

“I discovered I’m much stronger on visual-spatial intelligence than verbal-linguistic, because I hate reading but I finished Uncharted 4 in 11 hours. That’s some Stephen Hawking shit right there.”

Aromatherapist Nikki Hollis said: “Intelligence is a fascinating subject. I haven’t read a book this good since Astrology Secrets of the Ancient Astronauts.

“I particularly liked the bit about how intelligent people make bad decisions. Last week I drank loads of Jagerbombs on an empty stomach and was dizzy for three days, obviously this proves I have genius potential.”