Ordinary workers unsure whether they’d rather be f**ked over in or out of the EU

ORDINARY workers are torn over whether they would prefer being exploited by corporations inside or outside of the European Union.

Research by the Institute for Studies found a precisely equal referendum split between non-executive workers who will still have to work very hard for barely enough money, regardless of the political context.

Telesales operative Tom Logan said: “While we are part of the EU, I come here every morning, sit in this chair, put on my headphones and grind it out until 6pm apart from lunchtime and some monitored toilet breaks.

“At the end of the week I have barely enough money to pay my rent, while the bosses of the corporation that employs me get on private jets and fly somewhere peaceful to eat lobsters the size of labradors.

“If we vote ‘leave’, pretty much the same thing is going to happen. It’s an exciting time.”

Retail worker Nikki Hollis said: “Last week loads of my friends got laid off because of ’tough trading conditions’ and I found out I wasn’t getting a pension because my boss needs the money for his divorce.

“There’s nothing I can do about any of this because I went to a state school and am not allowed to have hopes and dreams.

“Can’t wait to see what happens on Thursday.”

Your unbelievably bleak consumerist festival guide

YOUR shallow, self-absorbed and unhappy guide to attending a profit-led music festival.

This year there are more festivals to choose from than ever before, from massive working class pop events with oppressive steel fences and sniffer dogs to small, intimate weekenders where conceited rich people pretend to be interested in culture.

Festivals are about music, laughter and most of all they’re about conforming to a stereotype of a young modern consumer who never reveals their vulnerabilities on social media. Here’s how to behave at a festival:

Rent some pre-constructed wigwam thing then get in it and do a ton of coke

Become paranoid and have a panicked conversation about your insecurities. Decide you are leaving the wigwam for the entire weekend. Then do another line and feel a bit better.

Go and watch Will Self read some pages out of a book while worrying

The literary tent is sparsely populated and feels safe, but you’re not sure how this qualifies as entertainment. Why is everyone better looking than you? And they’re talking about you, laughing at you, saying you’re fat.

See a famous musician looking old and weak. Realise you don’t even like music

Watching a big act, you realise you’ve never bought an album. You’re more into the gym and sunglasses. This is like that Banksy exhibition you went to despite not knowing who Banksy was. You didn’t see the point of that either.

Eat a load of food in some fucking toff cook’s ‘feast tent’ thing you have to pay extra for

Maybe some of the people there are famous. You would like that. Then you do a load more coke.

Ignore inner voice telling you ‘there must be something better in this world’

Gather your best-looking friends for a contrived photograph of ‘the perfect moment’. Realise your whole existence is a vapid exercise in self-promotion, and that in your heart you are alienated and more than a little bit afraid. Go back in wigwam and feel alone.