Osborne to add 114 lanes to the M6

GEORGE Osborne is to keep adding lanes to the M6 until everyone has money again.

The chancellor is to announce a major investment in infrastructure that will make the 232 mile motorway between Rugby and Gretna Britain’s ‘main thing’ from now on.

He said: “Adding 114 lanes to the M6 will become our great national project and everyone will be able to take part in it. PR firms and marketing agencies will be able to represent different lanes and flyovers while film makers will be inspired by the great motorway and young, out-of-work poets will sell millions of books by comparing it to something.

“And of course when we put all these people back to work they will once again be able to afford payment protection insurance.

“I thank you.”

The plan will see large swathes of the West Midlands, Lancashire and the Lake District covered in tarmac, but the Treasury stressed that removing huge amounts of habitable space would drive up house prices in the rest of the country and lift millions of people out of negative equity.

Meanwhile experts said the M6 plan was the crucial first step towards creating a cutting edge, 21st century economy based on widening things.

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madeley Finnegan said: “I suspect that with targeted investment and tax breaks for research in 10 years time hi-tech British workers will be able to widen almost anything.

“Imagine something as simple and everyday as a toothbrush and then imagine it being twice as wide.”

The chancellor insisted the recovery would still be export-led because he will invite lots of Chinese people to come and look at the M6 and then buy chunks of it to take home.

Mr Osborne said: “We will soon return to growth thanks to one gigantic motorway and Pippa Middleton’s impending book deal.”


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Doctors may be forced to work weekends

NHS hospitals could soon be staffed with doctors at weekends.

Health service managers admitted death rates were higher between Friday night and Monday morning because a shortage of doctors meant many patients were forced to treat each other and most of them were drunk.

A department of health spokesman said: “You’ve got some pissed lunatic with a huge gash in her forehead trying to do a butterfly stitch on her best friend and then the two of them start stabbing each other with scalpels over who is going to give the first blow job to the good looking bloke that they are both simultaneously hallucinating.

“It is free at the point of delivery but it’s not really medicine.”

The British Medical Association warned there was little point in replacing drunk, angry patients with drunk, angry doctors and stressed it would be far better if everyone could just stop being so annoying.

The NHS also promised to reduce the number of pretend doctors working in accident and emergency wards.

The spokesman added: “On Saturday and Sundays we rent out a lot of A&E departments and intensive care units to TV channels and film companies so they can train actors who will then go on to play really good doctors.

“We’re very proud to support Britain’s creative industries and it gives us the funds we need to buy solar powered ticket machines for the car park.

“Meanwhile there’s a good chance one of your relatives will have been killed by someone off Casualty, pretending to use a defibrillator that wasn’t even plugged in.

“How exciting.”