Primark To Charge Customers Just To Chuck Stuff On The Floor

CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.

As rocketing cotton prices threaten to end the phenomenon of skirts costing less than a handful of Blackjacks, the retail chain will refocus its business model around what it describes as the ‘therapeutic demolition’ of its rails.

A spokesman said: “The Primark experience has always been primarily about chucking things on the floor, or throwing them on top of other things in a crumpled heap.

“For a reasonable hourly rate customers, 99.73% female, will be able to run around the shop going fucking mental, hurling budget tops around in a dervish-like fashion.

“For a small surcharge they can tear items apart with their teeth, shoot them with rifles or even set fire to certain designated areas of the shop.

“It’s the future of retail, happening right now.”

Primark customer Emma Bradford said: “To me it’s the closest thing to being back in my teenage bedroom. Sure I like the cheap stuff but really it’s more about creating a chaotic dump safe in the knowledge that no-one cares enough to fuck with me.

“Possibly it’s an anti-authority thing, or a holdover from some sort of prehistoric ritual. It’s certainly the nearest I get to being a maverick crazy bitch since I became a housewife.”

She added: “Either way, a big Primark at 5.30pm on a Saturday is the closest you’ll get to a physical manifestation of the mind of a pre-menstrual woman.”


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Experts To Decide If Pupils Or Teachers Are Morons

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

The move came after a survey found that 25% of UK pupils have been incorrectly diagnosed as having special needs by teachers who do not think it is important that they know how to spell either ‘special’ or ‘needs’.

Meanwhile thousands of parents complained their children had come home with the word ‘mong’ scrawled crudely on their face in biro by struggling staff.

Senior Ofsted inspector, Martin Bishop, said: “A simple test is passing an electrical current through a pack of Smarties. If the teacher keeps grabbing for it long after the kid has stopped, we know we’ve got a problem.”

Extra training has been arranged to help teachers establish what constitutes ‘special educational needs’ after reasons for referral included ‘smelling a bit like Marmite’, ‘can’t pronounce “spaghetti” properly’, and ‘Welsh’.

Headmasters will also be advised that not getting more than eight A* GCSEs is not in itself an indicator of having a learning difficulty.

Roy Hobbs, head of St Garth’s in Peterborough, said: “According to research asking questions about special needs is often the first sign of having special needs.”

He added: “Fuck you, that’s what research.”

Bishop explained: “If kids are labelled special needs by idiot teachers and get a terrible education, they grow up to be the kind of ill-informed adult that’s only capable of holding down a mediocre job as an idiot teacher.â€

“We call it the ‘Circle of Cretin’.”