Prince Andrew opens his f**king mouth

PRINCE Andrew has only gone and opened his fucking mouth about Brexit, the disgusted business community has confirmed. 

The Duke of York has told UK businesses to make the most of new opportunities offered by withdrawing from the EU, as if he knew anything about any of it.

Businessman Thomas Logan said: “This is so offensive to us.

“Imagine Cliff Richard speaking on behalf of inner-city black youth, or Ken Livingstone representing the Jewish community. That’s how we feel.

“There is no Commonwealth, you pork-jowled idiot, there’s just a load of countries who feel obliged to make a fuss of you when you’re on holiday.

“Shut the fuck up. You’re sixth in line to the throne. Nobody would miss you.”

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‘Glowing’ pregnant woman feels like hell on earth

A PREGNANT woman complimented for her healthy glow is actually sweating cobs and exhausted, she has confirmed.

34-year-old Mary Fisher has been pregnant for seven months and only felt ‘glowing’ for a single hour in May after accidentally drinking a glass of red wine.

Fisher said: “If I’m glowing, it’s only in the same way that uranium does.

“I appreciate the compliments but please. I’ve looked in the mirror. Every single bit of me is swollen, my hair is mental and I’m dressed like the hated lovechild of David Bowie and Pat Butcher.

“Being pregnant is like a nine-month hangover. I’m as nauseous, dehydrated and exhausted as on any Saturday morning after a session, but without the session.

“Oh. And I do not need extra body heat right now, so touch my stomach and I will slap your hand away.”