THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.
The report from the Pubs That Don't Stink of Piss Guide 2007 found that many of the UK's 'gastro-pubs' were making false claims about the nature of their dung.
Guide editor Bill McKay said: "An increasing number of menus offer organic, free-range dishes made from fresh local ingredients.
"But in most cases it's actually an imported cowpat that's simply been deep fried in lard that's less than a year old."
The Guide recommends that most British pubs should revert to a toasties-only regime for at least three years and that some should not even be allowed to sell crisps.
Speaking at the Old Bag in Minchinhamptonsteadbury, McKay said: "The ploughman's lunch is a British classic but it's so easy to get wrong.
"For instance, this may well have been a ploughman's lunch, but that was obviously sometime last week. Since then it has been through not only the ploughman but quite possibly his dog as well."
McKay added: "In most cases it's about pubs being too ambitious. Our advice is just – for the love of God – get the fucking scampi right before you attempt to leap the culinary Grand Canyon that is homemade fish-cakes."