Pub Lunches Cost £20 But Still Taste Of Dung And Sweat, Says Report

THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.

The report from the Pubs That Don't Stink of Piss Guide 2007 found that many of the UK's 'gastro-pubs' were making false claims about the nature of their dung.

Guide editor Bill McKay said: "An increasing number of menus offer organic, free-range dishes made from fresh local ingredients.

"But in most cases it's actually an imported cowpat that's simply been deep fried in lard that's less than a year old."

The Guide recommends that most British pubs should revert to a toasties-only regime for at least three years and that some should not even be allowed to sell crisps.

Speaking at the Old Bag in Minchinhamptonsteadbury, McKay said: "The ploughman's lunch is a British classic but it's so easy to get wrong.

"For instance, this may well have been a ploughman's lunch, but that was obviously sometime last week. Since then it has been through not only the ploughman but quite possibly his dog as well."

McKay added: "In most cases it's about pubs being too ambitious. Our advice is just – for the love of God – get the fucking scampi right before you attempt to leap the culinary Grand Canyon that is homemade fish-cakes."

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Most BBC News Now About The BBC

THE majority of the news output from the BBC is now about the BBC, according to a new BBC report.

The BBC has risen to the top of the BBC's news chart after a busy year of high-profile resignations and big-budget dishonesty.

Last week the BBC assigned six reporters to cover a story about massive cuts in the number of BBC reporters while its five daily news stories now include: The BBC, fatness, standing outside someone's house, carbon dioxide and The Opinions of Nick Robinson.

Tom Logan, a media analyst, said: "If you're faced with thirteen separate Blue Peter scandals, £4 billion worth of Paxman cuts and the Great Kaplinsky Betrayal, that's a full and exciting news agenda."

According to an internal BBC report 52% of the Today programme is devoted to BBC related issues, while News 24 must carry two breaking stories per hour about the corporation.

Logan added: "To suggest that the BBC should devote time to other stories is to suggest that the BBC is not run on behalf of people like me and my dinner guests."

According to the report the 'perfect storm' for BBC news executives involves Nick Robinson making up a story about the parents of fat children switching to David Cameron because they believe he will use left-over Carbon Dioxide to defeat terror.

One BBC insider said: "The investigation alone would fill eight hours a day on News 24, keep Newsnight happy for a couple of months and generate at least three separate Panorama specials."