THE heatwave sweeping England and Wales has given everyone an excellent excuse to eat a huge block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a wooden stick. 

Fully air-conditioned workplaces are ceasing all work in favour of sending junior employees out to buy Magnums, Nuii, various Cadburys options and those Halo ones for dieters.

27-year-old greedy person Tom Logan said: “On normal temperate days people would be pretty scathing if I ate a shitload of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.

“But it’s sunny, it is imperative that I ‘cool down’ and I’ll just sweat the fat and sugar out naturally through my pores.”

Colleague Jo Kramer said: “Also, if it’s on a stick it’s light-hearted fun, not some fat bastard chomping through a whole bowl of Ben & Jerry’s.

“What does it taste of? Sort of a cold, vague nothing. But it’s provided enough dopamine to get through to 3pm.”