RBS ordered to let someone else destroy the economy this time

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been told to stop being selfish and let another bank have a turn at ruining the UK economy. 

Following its failure of Bank of England stress tests, RBS has been ordered to build up its capital reserves, reduce risk and go to the back of the queue. 

Bank of England governor Mark Carney said: “We all want a go on the market-plunging, depression-threatening, run-on-the-pound thrillride, but RBS has had theirs. 

“It’s Barclays next, then Deutsche, then HSBC, but RBS won’t have long before they’re back at the front again. 

“Everyone’ll get their turn before the Great Collapse of 2020 breaks up the EU, the Second Civil War begins in the US and we’re back to a good old barter economy.” 

An RBS spokesman said: “But we wanted to do it while we’re still 73 per cent government-owned. It’s less fun when it’s your money.” 

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'Alt-right' keyboard shortcut makes burning cross appear

PRESSING ‘alt-right’ on a computer keyboard makes a picture of a burning cross appear, it has emerged.

Pensioner Roy Hobbs discovered the function while trying to edit pictures of his grandchildren.

He said: “I mistakenly thought alt-right was the shortcut for ‘paste’ but then this picture of a burning cross appeared right in the middle of my screen, with little men in hoods dancing around it.

“It’s interesting but I can’t imagine it will ever be very handy for anything.

“I do the newsletter for my local classic car club on my computer, but there I tend to use clip-art pictures of cars and champagne bottles rather than aggressively racist imagery.”