Rebekah Brooks must know some serious shit

REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.

As James Murdoch closed the most successful newspaper in the western world rather than sack a devious harpie, experts said that harpie must have some weapons-grade shit up her sleeve.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, they must have killed a tramp.”

The News of the World will be axed on Sunday, followed a day later by Brooks returning to work at a desk that is obviously filled with grisly secrets.

And today Brooks’ former protegé Andy Coulson will be arrested and charged with not wearing a disguise and following James and Rupert Murdoch when they went on one of their late night, East End killing sprees.

Martin Bishop, media analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “No-one was calling for the paper to be closed, apart from the usual Twitter monkeys. If they had sacked Brooks and waved a batch of former executives off to prison, then slowly but surely things would have returned to normal, what with the British public being, you know, idiots.

“I reckon there’s a refrigerated dungeon full of Brazilian kids and Rupert eats a fresh one every day.”

Meanwhile accountants raised the possibility that the whole thing is just an elaborate tax dodge.

Despite the Murdochs’ effort to draw a line under calling their Sunday tabloid journalism the News of the World, tax experts caught the faint whiff of financial genius.

Helen Archer, from Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “I would not be surprised if Rupert Murdoch invented phone hacking after discovering a loophole which allows you to save hundreds of millions of pounds if you shut down a newspaper based on outrage.

“And even though they pay fuck all tax anyway, a good accountant can always get you a refund.”

But Professor Brubaker added: “Nah, I reckon it’s got something to do with a grainy photo of some oiled teenage boys, forming a human pyramid.”


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Rebekah Brooks' Desert Island Discs

AS you may have noticed, Walking On The Moon by the police is currently playing. It is, of course, inconceivable that I knew this record would be one of my choices.

There are many of you who will say ‘surely you had some inkling as to the contents of the playlist and as such, you have sole responsibility for the output’. Yes, the entire concept of the show is based around the fact that the guest (in this case, I, Rebekah Brooks) is given carte blanche to choose whatever music they wish. However in this case, it appears that all of my favourite songs were chosen by someone who never even asked me about it and that all of this happened while I was out of the office, having my back shaved.

Okay let’s make one thing crystal clear. Just because Crazy Horses by the Osmonds is about to come on, don’t put two and two together and think it has anything to do with the fact that I chose it. That would be incredibly naïve and short-sighted on your part and demonstrate once and for all how little you understand the world of high-powered record choosing.

If I may draw a parallel: On my first day as editor of the News of the World my newsdesk said they had a story about a soldier’s widow that they had got from listening to her voicemail. Crucially – and despite what many people will assume – at no point did I ask how on earth they had managed to listen to her voicemail.

Years later, when I remembered how disgusted I probably was, I found the pluck, determination and strength of character to persuade one of my underlings that it was in fact their decision and that they should begin looking for another job immediately. After all, the buck has to stop somewhere.

A senior colleague has kindly taken time out from his extremely busy schedule to inform me that my final choice is my favourite record of all time.

So please feast your ears on this amazing new version of Waltzing Matilda by China’s top boy band, Pyang Tai-Zone (free CD with every copy of the News of the World this Sunday).

Instead of taking a book I would instead serialise the brilliant new Jeremy Clarkson paperback about why no-one in Chipping Norton buys the Guardian.

And of course my luxury item would be the special device I was given for Christmas which allows me to accidentally access other people’s emails while I am holidaying on a desert island.