Remaining dregs of your pension fund to be set on fire

WHATEVER is still left of your pension fund is to be taken to a greenfield site on the edge of your town and burned.

The Future Homes Commission has called for pension funds to be used to build hundreds of thousands of houses, in a move that will immediately drive down the value of hundreds of thousands of houses.

Chairman Sir John Banham said: “We should use pensions to build something that will, by the time it is finished, be worth less than it was when it was still being built.

“There are two ways to drive down property values. Make sure no-one can get a mortgage, and increase the supply of houses. And the best way to sustain a depression is to deny credit to people whose houses are worth less than they used to be.

“So at least Britain will be doing all of those things.”

But Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I suspect that eventually we will just put the money in a pile and set fire to it. But at least bonfires look nice.”

Sir John added: “It will completely annihilate the last remaining shreds of your pension, but it’s okay because we also foresee a time when house bricks will be used as currency. And as a pension holder you will have thousands of bricks.

“Imagine going into a corner shop – ‘Can I have a pint of milk please?’ ‘Yes sir, that will be three and a half bricks’. It’s so wonderfully simple.

“You will need a hod carrier instead of a purse or wallet. And after a few months you will have used up all your pension bricks and will have to start spending your own house.

“But you can then use some of those bricks to invest in hundreds of thousands of new houses made from cardboard.

“We also foresee a time when cardboard will be used as currency.”


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Going out still not horrible enough for most Britons

A TYPICAL night out in the UK is still not unpleasant enough, according to most British people.

The Institute for Studies found that although going out in a British town will definitely involve either A & E, punching a friend or sitting in a pool of piss while dressed as the devil, Britons felt the overall experience was still insufficiently horrible.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A lot of Brits feel frustrated that there’s only a 94% chance of getting punched in the spleen by a bitter gym freak in a scoop neck T-shirt.

“Also they’re worried that ‘drinking factory’ style pubs aren’t sufficiently soulless and depressing. Basically Britons want everything to be more corporate, more threatening, more amazingly miserable.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “After a hard week at work I want to go and have a fucking horrible night out, dancing to music I hate in a roomful of threatening strangers, before going home to do a shit in my bed.

“I don’t want the unrelenting misery of the experience diluted by any fun or hope. Is that too much to ask?”

Sales executive Nikki Hollis said: “Going out at weekends still isn’t quite as bad as it might be, so we’ve taken to staying in.

“Usually my friend Sarah injects me with methanol, after which we play Benny Benassi’s Satisfaction on a loop while she kicks me in the head non-stop, for hours.

“Then we steal each others’ coats.”