RYANAIR boss Michael O’Leary is to end passengers.
O’Leary said he was forced to make the move due to shrinking profits and the constantly wailing voices in his head.
He added: “We will continue to ensure all our customers have the Ryanair experience, but at a much lower altitude.”
Nikki Hollis, one of the first to trial the new system, said: “I booked my Alicante flight over the phone, when my credit card was accepted a green mist came through the receiver. I woke seven days later with a pounding headache.
“A small Irish man was standing over me and grinning. He said I’d had a fabulous time in Alicante and handed me a £40 bill for excess baggage.”
Ryanair board member Joseph Turner said: “When Michael mentioned axing passengers I thought he meant in the hatchet sense, to make more fit on board.
“I was reluctant because it would mean more cleaning and affect our turnaround time, but when he explained he meant just grounding them I was quite relieved and gave my full backing.
“Also, he has my eldest son in a cage at the bottom of his garden.”